A Year Long Hair Journey

Its been one whole year since I have had my hair.  Seems like forever and yet like only yesterday.  I have been through a lot of different emotions, styles and phases this year.  I am still struggling every day with being confident and embracing my hair or lack there of.   A year ago I was still going through chemo and had pending surgeries and was terrified at the prospect of being bald.  Today I am happy and healthy and excited to have hair and look forward to lots of new fun hairstyles. Here is my hair journey for this year:

One year ago today. Officially Bald!!

 

 And the wiggin out begins!

 Going All Natural!!

And this is what one year of hair growth looks like!  In actuality my hair didn't start growing back until a couple of months after my last chemo, so not until around October and then it started slower and splotchy, so I am hopeful that the next year will bring a lot more hair with it!

Hair Nightmares

Running gel through my hair.  I slick it back, I rough it up, I pull it this direction and that direction.  I put a clip in it.  I take it out.  I put a headband on.  I take it off.  I clip in bangs. I take them out.  I rough it up again.  I spray water on it and slick it back again.  I put the clip back in and put on earrings.  I am running late, so I decide this is as good as it gets and leave.  I get in the car and realize that I have put on two different earrings.  Great, so much for that.  I take them out and pout about not having that extra touch of femininity.  I get to the office and after several walks past the kitchen window where I can see my reflection I decide I look awful and have to make adjustments.  I go to the restroom and remove the clip.  I wet it down a bit more to flatten out poofy spots and flyaways, I end up putting on a headband and roll my eyes and sigh and decide its hopeless and go back to my desk.  I feel deflated and sad and then I get mad at myself for feeling deflated and sad over hair.  When I heard I would need chemo I knew that that loss was going to be very hard, but I just really had no idea how hard or for how long that struggle would last.  It has been nine and a half months since I have had my hair and it will probably be at least another 6 months before its really long enough to do much of anything with.  I don’t think I fully understood or prepared for that much time.  I don’t think I fully grasped how much of myself was wrapped up in my hair.  I don’t think I fully understood how much I feel the pressure and need to look feminine and how hard that is to do without hair.  I know I need to just focus on the fact that I am alive and healthy and realize that this is petty and I always have tried to not let the petty things get to me, especially after this year, but if you have long beautiful hair, I apologize in advance and please don’t be offended when you get the evil eye!!

The Year of the Boob

What a year!!  Exactly one year ago today I was having a biopsy of a "suspicious"  lump in my breast.   I was clueless and ill prepared for what the next year would be like.  Since that day I have had my breasts removed and put back together twice. I had what I hope is my last surgery for a very long time yesterday.  Laying on the couch again, once again in recovery mode.  Popping percocet and antibiotics.  Grateful for my family and freinds for support.  My adorable daughter made my breakfast for me all by herself this morning and the insisted on making her own breakfast so that I can lay down.   I am very hopeful that this is the end of this journey and I cant wait to enjoy this upcoming spring and summer. :)

Moving on!

Over two months since my last post.   No news is good news, right?  Nothing to report.  The last couple of months have basically been full of fun, normal life.  Celebrating birthdays and enjoying family gatherings and Christmas celebrations and the start of a wonderful new year and putting this incredibly scary, terrifying, difficult year behind me.  I am feeling pretty good.  The hormone blockers give me hot flashes and some mild bone pain, but overall it is tolerable.  
I want to be able to just be happy and positive that I made it through this whole ordeal and put it behind me, but I am still full of fear and apprehension.  I had my first of what I am sure will be many many paranoid, panicked freakouts.  I had some pain that I couldn't find any reason for and of course immediately went into a full blown panic. I was truly and genuinely petrified.  I tried to do the normal "I'm sure its nothing" conversation in my head, but the last time I had that conversation with myself, I ended up being a liar, so now its hard to take my word!!  I hope the fear gets better and lessens with time, but I don't know how much time will be enough.  I am happy to report that I followed up with the doctor and the pain has subsided and all the blood tests came back great and I am cancer free.
I am still also struggling with the hair loss.  I miss my hair. A LOT!! 
I have always had long hair.
I loved my long hair.
It was my security blanket and it was very important to me. 
I have been hiding behind wigs, hats, caps and scarves.
I am sick of all of them, but I have really been struggling with building up enough confidence to not hide behind anything.  I have discovered that I am way more insecure than I thought I was.  I wish I was one of those ladies that embraced this and rocked the bald and brought out my inner badass, but I am not.  I am very self conscious about rocking my short little locks.  But I am trying very hard to let it go and just embrace what I have to work with. 
It has been six months since I lost my hair and today was the first day that I went out of the house without "hiding" behind anything and it was really really hard, but I'm working on it.

Ouch

Wednesday Oct 22, 2014

5:30am- Alarm goes off, I get up and eat some breakfast, cause I can't eat anything after 6am. (Boo)

8:15- Glenn walks Riley to school

11:30- Get in the car and head down to Orange (I'm Thirsty)

12:45- Get called back and get in my gown, blood pressure taken, IV placed and wait. (Anxiety kicks in)

2:05- Dr. Gaon comes in and does his markings all over my chest and stomach.

2:15- Anesthesiologist comes in and starts prepping his drugs for me.

2:30- Kiss Glenn and get rolled away down the hall.

5:00- Struggle to open my eyes, feel very tired, nauseous and in pain.
Ask for more drugs, they try to put it in my IV and realize that my IV has come out and the drugs that they had put in already had infiltrated into my hand. Anesthesiologist puts in another IV and pumps some more pain medication.  Nurse tries to bring me crackers to eat, but I need something gluten free, so they have to hunt down something else. They bring me some yogurt.  It is very sweet. Something like Boston Crème Pie. I stomach a few bites. Stomach starts doing flips.  Go to the restroom and have some dry heaves then start throwing up some green substance.  It is unpleasant. Get dressed back into my clothes and wheeled out to the car.  I grab the plastic bag provided to me for the drive home. 

7:30- Get home, walking from the car into the house proves to be too much. Quickly get to the
bathroom just in time. Go to bed and proceed to try every possible position with every possible pillow to get comfortable and do not succeed.

12:30am- Move to the couch and attempt to sleep, but just spend the night watching Big Bang Theory reruns. 

Fast forward to today, Friday October 24th.  In a drugged up haze.  I can barely keep my eyes open, but not actually sleep.  I did sleep last night though for a bit, so seeing some progress.  The pain is starting to lessen slightly, so I am hoping to be able to transition to less drugs maybe tomorrow. 

I keep thinking about how grateful I am that we bought these new couches this year. Thank goodness my husband insisted on spending the extra money for the reclining seats. I never imagined how much time I would be spending on them when we bought them, but it has definitely gotten its use this year.

Hair Woes

6 weeks post chemo

Feeling pretty good. Energy is getting better and muscle aches are subsiding. Did the Susan G Komen Race For A Cure 5k and it kicked my butt. Just walked it and afterwards I was beat!!! But it's a start.

Hair is starting to grow, but SLOWLY!!! I hate being bald!  I hate wigs! Hate them! They are itchy, uncomfortable and hot and none of them look "natural", but yet I also hate going without them. I feel awkward and self conscious and exposed.  I just can't wait for my hair to be back!
Here is the very little hair growth as of today:

 

In the meantime I make many many attempts to try and find a look that I like that is also comfortable, easy and cool, but so far I have not been incredibly successful.  I will continue on my quest as I fear I have a very loooong road back to pretty hair!! :(

Only 3 weeks left til my surgery.  21 day countdown til I am free of these plastic nightmares!!

And today is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Please if you haven't already, do a self exam.  Check regularly, be familiar with your body regularly so that you will notice any changes right away.  It can happen to anyone.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Don't wait for the doctor to check annually, don't wait until you are scheduled for a mammogram.  You have to look out for you on a regular basis and know your own body and any changes from your "normal".  I love you all and please take care of yourselves!! XOXO

sushi, pedi's and wine

5 weeks post chemo.

Spent time with friends drinking wine. Check!

Pedicure. Check!

Sushi. Check!

Hair growth.............

I guess 3 out of 4 ain't bad!

Getting back to normal.

29 days until the plastic cups on my chest are gone!!! Yay!!