Messes, masks and muscle aches

At home trying to do a little bit of work from home since I feel terrible that I have missed so much work.  Unfortunately after Labor Day weekend, we all returned back to the office to find a river running through it!  A toilet broke over the weekend and completely flooded the entire office.  It is awful.  Furniture was moved and disassembled, carpet torn out, base boards removed, large fans and dehumidifiers plugged in and tubes and plugs running all over the office.  I am paranoid and freaked out about what bacteria is forming or what's floating around in the air.  I left the office early and missed days last week and ended up having to wear a face mask when I was there.  It's embarrassing, annoying and frustrating.  Chemo treatments are over, but it is still a major inconvenience in my life!! My immune system is still compromised and I still don't know how worried I have to be about getting sick!  The doctor doesn't recommend that I be there. It's a little scary. But I just want to be back to normal.  I cant wait to be able to get back to my normal routine. Normal work routine and also normal workout routine.  I have been anxious to get back to exercising, but it is slow going.  My legs have pretty bad muscle and bone pain and any cardio has been pretty hard to do much of.  It's frustrating.  I know its only been three weeks and I need more patience, but I am just so excited to get back to normalcy. But today has been three weeks and one day, so this is the longest my body has been without any poisons in it for over three months! ;)

I made it!

Laying in bed at 8am with Riley on this great day off on this beautiful Labor Day, shockingly my husband has made me breakfast in bed, and I am just soaking up the extra rest.  Besides the crazy tiredness I am feeling pretty good. The "yucky" is gone. No more nausea or queasy, the pain and aches are gone, the numbness and tingling is gone, the film in my mouth is Almost gone and I can taste my food. Things are good. I made it!  This was a battle that I never expected to have to fight and really took me off guard, but I am grateful that I had the tools to fight it.  I have really good friends and family,  I have good bosses and coworkers and because of them I have good insurance and I have good doctors.  I feel so awful for anyone going through this that is not lucky enough to have all of that support to get through this.  This was not easy and I could Not have done it without all of  the awesome support that I have.   I know that this battle is probably not really over.  I still have medications and screenings to deal with and I think that once you have CANCER there is always going to be that fear and worry and risk of a recurrence  and you will probably never really be completely at ease, but I am going to  do my best to be hopeful and positive and enjoy this wonderful life.   Looking forward to all the little things. Can't wait til my immune system is back to normal so I can get a pedicure and eat sushi. Looking forward to growing hair!  To working out. To just living my normal life.  And thank you to all of the people in my life for making it such a wonderful life to live.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Wake up at 6 AM to that sweet little face that I love so much, but so am not in the mood for just yet.  My stomach is turning, my head aches, I hurt to the touch.  She wants to give me hugs and cuddle, but that hurts. I get up and take my nausea medication which keeps me from wanting to die, but just barely!  I make us breakfast and make my way to the spot where  I will spend the rest of my day.  Thank goodness for grandma coming to take that sweet little face to go play at her house where she doesn't have to see my disgusted whiny face all day.  It's crazy how I am able to forget how awful this is from three weeks ago. I mean I knew it sucks, which is why I was dreading it, but I still forget the    details.   I wish I could just melt into the couch and sleep away the crappy feelings, but unfortunately I'm just too damned uncomfortable to sleep.  My neck hurts, my back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my stomach hurts. I feel like I have to eat all day long in order to not feel like I'm gonna hurl.  Thank goodness for good friends that have been bringing me food, so I don't have to worry about dinner.  I can't wait to forget about this feeling and never be able to remember what the details feel like.  So I lay hear feeling awful and miserable, but my husband brought me ice cream and my daughter is cuddling with me and this almost over. There is the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could run through it, but I'm too tired, but I'm getting there.

Third Time is Not the Charm

Four Days after my third treatment and this just Sucks!!! This does not get any easier with any experience or knowledge.   This is hard!!
A few things that I have learned:

Don't think it can't get any worse.......cause it most certainly can!

Cancer in the summer is not wise, hot flashes suck!

Pillows are awesome and you can never have too many.

Ice cream is the best!

This face can cure all:

Bald Girl Problems

Itching my bald head with a surreal feeling that I really have no hair.  Still seems so crazy.  I wish I was one of these confident women that didn't care about hair and boobs or makeup and eyebrows, but I'm just not.  I'm struggling with trying to be comfortable.  I still don't feel comfortable rocking the bald and not caring what people think, but wigging out is definitely NOT comfortable.   I am trying to perfect the head pat and itching my scalp without knocking a wig off of my head.  I've been trying everything. Half wigs, whole wigs, wigs with hats, wigs with headbands, half wigs with scarves.  Everyday is a new look and its always a mystery to friends and coworkers which persona will show up each day.  Still not looking forward to losing eyebrows and eyelashes, but on a positive note, I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in weeks!! 

Boring

I'm bored.  I've been sitting on this couch for way too long.  Got my second chemo treatment 6 days ago.   I feel like I went in more prepared this time, so I handled it a little better.  But there is no getting around the laying around.  I get so tired and have such little energy that a walk to the kitchen is taxing.   I now have way too much knowledge of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Feeling better now, but still cant do a whole lot and have to be careful about germs and bacteria, so now I'm just bored.   The hubby and kiddo are off at Raging Waters, which since that is just a giant pee pond, I am stuck at home, bored!!  And on top of bored, I'm HUNGRY.  My appetite is definitely not a problem.  I feel like I could eat ALL day long.  And everything sounds so good, but unfortunately, nothing actually tastes good!!!  My mouth is just gross!!!  There is no other explanation. Yuck!!  And I am still not adjusting really well to being bald.  Every time I go out, I feel paranoid that everyone is looking at me.  It's still a little awkward and I really need to get more comfortable in my own skin.  I am sure it will get easier, but for now I am still missing my hair!! Looking forward to feeling good the next two weeks.  And almost at the half way point! Yay!! 

Happy 4th of July

So Wednesday July 2nd I wake up and there is a whole lot of hair falling out of my head. I decide not to take a shower in an effort to keep my hair as long as possible. Originally my goal was to keep it through the beach house, but now I've decided I'd also like to keep it through 4th of July.  So I try not to touch it or do anything to disturb the hair and cause it to come out.  By Thursday morning after showering the amount of hair loss is stating to look a little shabby.  I wear a hat to work to hide the visible scalp.  I make it through the day and it's not looking too awful just yet.  Friday morning I shower and the hair is just falling out of my head. I honestly don't know if much is even in my scalp at all or just sitting on my head. Every time you pull at the hair it just comes right out. It's so weird and crazy.  I decide I have enough left to put a scarf over my very thinning scalp and still have my own hair. We have an awesome morning and afternoon with family and friends at the Ontario parade and then the annual pool party.  I am self conscious about my hair constantly shedding around me and my scarf riding up so you can see my scalp, but I'm pretty sure no one else notices and I'm just being paranoid.   I know I'm going to have to shave my head tomorrow and am just trying to come to grips with my reality.  We've been giving Glenn a hard time about shaving his head with me, but he is very concerned about his thinning hair never coming back.  But after a couple of beers he has a change of heart! :) So he breaks out the clippers and I get to do the honors!   He looks surprisingly good. :). But then the alcohol helps start a trend and we are joined by two more courageous souls that want to show their support and give me more courage. So we shave Jerry's very soft and beautiful hair and then Chris decides to sport a little shorter do in support.  I am still unsure if I have the courage to do the deed with an audience, but Glenn convinces me that doing it while I have the support around me would probably be easier than waiting til the morning when my cheering squad isn't there! :). So I bite the bullet and take my turn in the hot seat!  We decide to have a little fun with it at first and shave my hair into a Mohawk . It's fun and takes away my emotional reaction to losing my hair.  I have awesome friends! :)  I watch the fireworks with a Mohawk next to my bald husband and awesome and supportive daughter and feel like despite my recent bad luck I am a pretty lucky woman.
So this morning we shaved my head. I am bald. I am officially a cancer patient! :( But it's a beautiful Saturday with my beautiful family and I have a smile on my face!