1 down, 3 to go!

Woke up feeling pretty stressed out and nervous.  This is what I have been dreading since I heard the other dreaded C word 3 months ago.

Had to make breakfast, get Riley ready for a Disneyland day with grandma and go shop for food to make for my chemo lunch.  Packed up my chemo bag (books, kindle, laptop, blanket, lunch, snacks, water). Head down to the center and make pretty good time, traffic isn't too bad.  Get to the center and they call us back. Unfortunately my insurance still hasn't given authorization for one of the drugs, so we have to wait awhile.  All the other ladies there are very friendly and talkative.  Most are dealing with worse situations that I am, so puts into perspective to me that it could be worse and be grateful that I caught mine early.  Finally after a little over an hour, my insurance gives the ok. So I get hooked up. They give me a cocktail of drugs before they start the actual chemo. Nausea medication, Benadryl and Pepcid.  The Benadryl immediately kicks my ass. Makes me feel totally drugged out and can hardly walk, speak or keep my head upright.  I try to sleep, but it is a very restless sleep and after about an hour I give up and start talking to another lady that has just arrived.  The rest of the treatment is pretty boring. I read, watch tv and chat.   And before I know it, it's over.  I have a pretty bad headache, but other than that I feel ok.  I am scared of what's to come and don't know what to expect. I am freaked out knowing that I have just introduced a toxin into my body that is currently killing important cells in my body and there is no going back. My immune system will go down, My hair will fall out, my skin will dry up, and i will be exhausted and there is nothing I can do about it. It's done. It is what it is and I just need to try and get through it however I can.   Officially 6 weeks post surgery today.  And 12 weeks to go until treatment is done.  I think I can, I think I can.  

Really Really Sucks

Two steps forward......three steps back!!

Things have been going pretty good.  Went back to work. Started working out.  Went camping over the weekend and spent fun times with friends and family. My range of motion is pretty good and I can lift most things now.  Still sleep pretty awful, but overall feeling good. 

Got up this morning at 4:15, pressure in my chest and expander's poking and prodding.  Stressing about having to start taking tamoxifen and thinking about hot flashes and fatigue and regretting doing research last night.  I have appointments with my plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I know that my oncologist is going to tell me I have to start my hormone therapy today and I am dreading it.  I get showered and ready and Sarah arrives to join me and Riley.  We get in the car and drive down to Orange County.  The traffic is bad, but we get there with plenty of time and go get breakfast at Corner Bakery.  Then we go and check in at the office.  Get called in for Dr. Gaon's office for my next expansion.  Dr. Gaon goes ahead and pumps in another 80 cc's and it is crazy how much bigger they get!!  I actually have boobs.  Dr. Gaon says I probably only need one more expansion and then I'll be done.  Looks like I'll be ready for my replacement surgery sooner than I thought. Yay.  Go back into the waiting room to wait for my appointment with Dr. Link.  Dr. Link calls us into his office, says that the good thing is that the lymph nodes were clear and my tumor was less than 2cm, which is good, HOWEVER, should have known there would be a HOWEVER!! So, however, my Mammaprint testing came back high risk, so..........Chemo it is!! I thought for sure I was going to dodge that bullet.  I was feeling so positive!!  So in a couple of days I will be pumped full of some nasty ass drugs, feel like crap and lose my hair.  I have already been cut open and had parts cut off and plastic parts jammed in that are incredibly painful and uncomfortable, I was kind of hoping I had been through enough.  Have I mentioned that cancer really really SUCKS!!!!!

Inflation

I awake at 5:15, I hear Glenn in the bathroom shaving or brushing his teeth and am in such discomfort from lying down that I have to get up. I'm still tired and wish I could sleep in, but I have to sit up to get the pressure off of my chest.  Sleep is something that has still given me a whole lot of grief.  I try to sleep on the recliner or propped up on dozens of pillows on my back, but after a few hours I have so much pressure on my chest and it hurts like crazy, but if I try and sleep on my side I get shooting pain down my sides.  There is no such thing as a comfortable position.  So anyways, I get up and make breakfast, take a shower, and put on my padded tank that I found at Styles For Less yesterday to help give the slight illusion of a boob. Then sleepy head wakes up and  I get her ready. Sarah comes to take me to my appointment.  We drop Riley off at Sue's and then head out. We get to the office and check in and get our pager and then sit down.  I go use the restroom and when I come out they have already paged us to head in.  We go in and I have to change into my gown.  Only a few minutes later Dr. Gaon comes in and we chat and I ask him some questions and then it's time.  He gives me a local anesthetic and then uses the magnet to find the right location and then he puts the needle into that spot and then starts pushing the saline solution. He asks me if I feel any pressure and I say not yet, so he says ok, let's do a little more then.  He adds a total of 80 cc's on each side.  I look down then and it is truly crazy to see the transformation.  It's like inflating a beach ball.  Like I took a few big breaths and gave it couple blows and then look to see my progress. So incredibly bizarre.  Well certainly an interesting and new experience for both me and the mother-in-law. :)   So we are on our way. Every two weeks  a few times and viola, boob!!  Now just to take some ibuprofen and lie here with an ice pack on my chest.

I'm drainless, baby!!!!!

Oh Happy Day!! Got my drains removed today!!! No more baggy shirts, no more pouches and ribbons holding them up, no more showering with a sopping wet robe belt around my neck!! Hooray! I feel so light and free.  Amazing how exciting this is, but seriously, it is super exciting.  I thought they might start the expansions today too, but he said not until next week. Still swollen and sore and wants one more week to get recovered before we begin the process.  Doing pretty well. Pain is pretty tolerable at this point. Just feeling sore and have a lot of pressure from the tissue expanders.  They are NOT comfortable. Kind of feels like I am wearing an underwire bra that is a size too small that I can not take off!!! :(. Sleep is still hard. I feel a lot of pressure when I lie on my sides and even lying on my back, which I hate by the way, I wake up with lots of pressure on my chest.  But overall feel like things are better than I thought they might be. Only two weeks after surgery and I am taking small walks and taking Riley to school and running some errands.  Start physical therapy Thursday to help start some exercises to help get back range of motion in my arms and start building back some strength.  Friends and fam have still been amazing, everyone is still bringing us dinner every night and  I am still amazed at how lucky I am to have such an awesome support team to rely on.   Today is a good day!!

Feeling positive

Post-Op day. Saw Dr Link and he said everything looked really good from the pathology after surgery . Still need to send my tumor off to a lab that will grade my risk of recurrence and determine treatment, but he thinks everything looks really good.  Then saw my surgeons and everything was looking good.  Got one more drain taken out.  Super creepy feeling, by the way, and by the look on Stephanie's face as they did it, I'm guessing it looks pretty creepy too. Two down, two to go. But Dr Gaon says I can have the other two removed on Tuesday., so yay, almost done!  He may even start doing the expansion next week too.  A little nervous about starting that, but the sooner we start the sooner it's all over.  Met a new friend that stopped by the Breastlink center to say Hi and got to see how amazing she looks 3 weeks post op from the final reconstruction surgery and made me feel super hopeful and optomistic about my future. So overall a pretty good day, but the best part was that I got to take a shower, a real shower, and it was amazing!!!! :).  Feel like I had hit the bottom last week, but I'm definitely on my way up! :)

Catching my breath

Have I mentioned that having cancer sucks?!?!?

Got released from the hospital Tuesday night.  Drove home exhausted and nauseous all the medication and couldn't wait to get into bed.  However getting into bed is not an easy task. Nor is getting out of it to pee constantly.  Spent most of Wednesday resting on the couch being waited on by my wonderful husband and my Dad.  Was pumping myself full of drugs and fluids and trying to get up and move around to ensure no blood clots.  Was having some shortness of breath and difficulties breathing fully and just thought it must be the after effects of the cold I was getting over before surgery, but unfortunately throughout the day the breathing was getting more and more difficult and more and more concerning. I called the surgeon and she advised that I go to the ER to make sure it wasn't a pulmonary embolism.  Thats not what you want to hear.  Rushed over to the ER, got a chest xray, cat scan and some blood work that determine that I did not have a pulmonary embolism, but I did have pneumonia.  So got pumped full of some strong antibiotics and after 6 long uncomfortable, exhausting hours, we were sent home.  Got a little bit of sleep and then just spent the day resting, and doing breathing exercises and walking around the living room.  Got to take my first shower with the assistance of my husband and Auntie Tammy and feel a million times better being clean.  Been eating pretty good thanks to awesome friends and family bringing me meals.  Unfortunately what goes in must come out and turns out anesthesia and pain killers are not on the same page with allowing that to happen.  Another fun perk.  I am starting to adjust to figuring out what I can and can not do and am making small improvements in the range of motion that I have in my arms and am keeping positive that tomorrow will be better.  Once again, thankful for my friends and family that have brought me meals, flowers, cards, lent an ear, ran errands, watched Riley and been so supportive.   Pain killers are starting to kick in, so I'll end this before weird stuff starts happening.

Made It!

Laying in my hospital bed in a percacet haze.  Made it through the surgery, and everything went well.
I am exhausted from lack of sleep. Very difficult to get comfortable and not a lot of peace and quiet. Super thirsty all day, so guzzling through water, but the problem is getting up to pee is excruciating pain!  Waiting for the doctors to come in and see how am doing and when we'll be going home.  Thank goodness for my husband, who has surprisingly been wonderful help. Couldn't do this without him. And to all of my wonderful family that all came to support me and be here for me. And also to my wonderful in-laws for taking care of our most precious cargo.
Well my eyelids are heavy, so I'm gonna try to take a nap. Love you all! :)