Wait.....What??

March 13, 2014

When your doctor says, "You have cancer", you kind of have an out of body experience.  Like you're looking at someone else in a movie or tv show or something.  This cant possibly be reality. How is that possible? 
Yesterday I was a working mom, wife, fitness fanatic, sister, friend.......and today I HAVE CANCER.
Its like all of those other people I was no longer exist and I just have cancer.  It consumes every ounce of my being.  I keep replaying the doctor repeating the words "you have cancer" over and over and can not wrap my head around the fact that this is actually my reality. 
I know that thousands of other women have been through this and that does give me some comfort, but there is no situation from this point on where life is not going to suck for at least a little while.  It is going to be painful, stressful, scary and sad and I am super grateful that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and do not have to deal with this alone, but I cant help but be angry and frustrated that this is happening to me. 

So basically this is how it went down.

I am laying in bed playing on my phone when I drop it and it hits me in the boob.  I think to myself that really hurt for some reason and rub the spot that ached and noticed that I thought I felt something.  I double and triple check as my heart starts to pump a little faster.  I say something to Glenn and ask him to double check and he feels something too, so my heart drops in my stomach momentarily while I try and talk myself out of any panic. I go to sleep and wake up and get ready for work.  After 9am passes by I make an appointment with my OB-gyn for three days later.  My regular doctor isn't available, so I go to the other office in Chino Hills and I am not thrilled with the doctor that I see and she feels around and tells me that she thinks I just have lumpy breasts and she feels several different things so she isn't worried, but she'll order a mammogram and ultrasound just to be safe.  I make an apt and go in to have my breast smushed and smashed and then proceed to the ultrasound room to have them now probed and prodded.  The technician leaves the room and comes back with the doctor who then starts to view the ultrasound and tells me that they would like to do an biopsy because there is definitely something there, but not to worry, it is usually nothing. But of course it only mildy eases the unease that I am feeling at this point. Again I try to push it aside.  I then have to schedule the biopsy.  The procedure is painful and unpleasant and I am so focused on just making it through this awful procedure that I forget for a moment to be scared of the reason I am doing it. After I am done, they say that the results take 2-3 days to be sent to my doctor and that no news is good news so not to worry if I don't hear anything, that they would usually let them know sooner if there was anything to worry about.  So I schedule a follow up appointment with my regular OB-gyn for a week later.  So I wait and wait and never hear anything, but the following Monday I am pretty confident that since I have heard nothing, that clearly I am good to go and nothing to worry about. I go to my follow up appointment. Sit in the office waiting and waiting.  Reading my romance novel and truly not feeling any anxiety or worries.  In walks the dr, sits across from me and just comes out with it, "we have your results and it's not good. You have cancer!" Again, that's when I kind of shut off.  Its just not possible.  I am a pretty emotional person so tears were a given and my doctor is incredibly sweet and tried her best to comfort me.  I know I will be fine, but I just want this to all be over with.  I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to take a ton of drugs, I don't want to have chemo or radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I am scared of it all, but I know I will get through it and everything will be fine.  But for right now I just want to scream a little bit!!!!