A Year Long Hair Journey

Its been one whole year since I have had my hair.  Seems like forever and yet like only yesterday.  I have been through a lot of different emotions, styles and phases this year.  I am still struggling every day with being confident and embracing my hair or lack there of.   A year ago I was still going through chemo and had pending surgeries and was terrified at the prospect of being bald.  Today I am happy and healthy and excited to have hair and look forward to lots of new fun hairstyles. Here is my hair journey for this year:

One year ago today. Officially Bald!!

 

 And the wiggin out begins!

 Going All Natural!!

And this is what one year of hair growth looks like!  In actuality my hair didn't start growing back until a couple of months after my last chemo, so not until around October and then it started slower and splotchy, so I am hopeful that the next year will bring a lot more hair with it!

Hair Nightmares

Running gel through my hair.  I slick it back, I rough it up, I pull it this direction and that direction.  I put a clip in it.  I take it out.  I put a headband on.  I take it off.  I clip in bangs. I take them out.  I rough it up again.  I spray water on it and slick it back again.  I put the clip back in and put on earrings.  I am running late, so I decide this is as good as it gets and leave.  I get in the car and realize that I have put on two different earrings.  Great, so much for that.  I take them out and pout about not having that extra touch of femininity.  I get to the office and after several walks past the kitchen window where I can see my reflection I decide I look awful and have to make adjustments.  I go to the restroom and remove the clip.  I wet it down a bit more to flatten out poofy spots and flyaways, I end up putting on a headband and roll my eyes and sigh and decide its hopeless and go back to my desk.  I feel deflated and sad and then I get mad at myself for feeling deflated and sad over hair.  When I heard I would need chemo I knew that that loss was going to be very hard, but I just really had no idea how hard or for how long that struggle would last.  It has been nine and a half months since I have had my hair and it will probably be at least another 6 months before its really long enough to do much of anything with.  I don’t think I fully understood or prepared for that much time.  I don’t think I fully grasped how much of myself was wrapped up in my hair.  I don’t think I fully understood how much I feel the pressure and need to look feminine and how hard that is to do without hair.  I know I need to just focus on the fact that I am alive and healthy and realize that this is petty and I always have tried to not let the petty things get to me, especially after this year, but if you have long beautiful hair, I apologize in advance and please don’t be offended when you get the evil eye!!

The Year of the Boob

What a year!!  Exactly one year ago today I was having a biopsy of a "suspicious"  lump in my breast.   I was clueless and ill prepared for what the next year would be like.  Since that day I have had my breasts removed and put back together twice. I had what I hope is my last surgery for a very long time yesterday.  Laying on the couch again, once again in recovery mode.  Popping percocet and antibiotics.  Grateful for my family and freinds for support.  My adorable daughter made my breakfast for me all by herself this morning and the insisted on making her own breakfast so that I can lay down.   I am very hopeful that this is the end of this journey and I cant wait to enjoy this upcoming spring and summer. :)

Moving on!

Over two months since my last post.   No news is good news, right?  Nothing to report.  The last couple of months have basically been full of fun, normal life.  Celebrating birthdays and enjoying family gatherings and Christmas celebrations and the start of a wonderful new year and putting this incredibly scary, terrifying, difficult year behind me.  I am feeling pretty good.  The hormone blockers give me hot flashes and some mild bone pain, but overall it is tolerable.  
I want to be able to just be happy and positive that I made it through this whole ordeal and put it behind me, but I am still full of fear and apprehension.  I had my first of what I am sure will be many many paranoid, panicked freakouts.  I had some pain that I couldn't find any reason for and of course immediately went into a full blown panic. I was truly and genuinely petrified.  I tried to do the normal "I'm sure its nothing" conversation in my head, but the last time I had that conversation with myself, I ended up being a liar, so now its hard to take my word!!  I hope the fear gets better and lessens with time, but I don't know how much time will be enough.  I am happy to report that I followed up with the doctor and the pain has subsided and all the blood tests came back great and I am cancer free.
I am still also struggling with the hair loss.  I miss my hair. A LOT!! 
I have always had long hair.
I loved my long hair.
It was my security blanket and it was very important to me. 
I have been hiding behind wigs, hats, caps and scarves.
I am sick of all of them, but I have really been struggling with building up enough confidence to not hide behind anything.  I have discovered that I am way more insecure than I thought I was.  I wish I was one of those ladies that embraced this and rocked the bald and brought out my inner badass, but I am not.  I am very self conscious about rocking my short little locks.  But I am trying very hard to let it go and just embrace what I have to work with. 
It has been six months since I lost my hair and today was the first day that I went out of the house without "hiding" behind anything and it was really really hard, but I'm working on it.

Ouch

Wednesday Oct 22, 2014

5:30am- Alarm goes off, I get up and eat some breakfast, cause I can't eat anything after 6am. (Boo)

8:15- Glenn walks Riley to school

11:30- Get in the car and head down to Orange (I'm Thirsty)

12:45- Get called back and get in my gown, blood pressure taken, IV placed and wait. (Anxiety kicks in)

2:05- Dr. Gaon comes in and does his markings all over my chest and stomach.

2:15- Anesthesiologist comes in and starts prepping his drugs for me.

2:30- Kiss Glenn and get rolled away down the hall.

5:00- Struggle to open my eyes, feel very tired, nauseous and in pain.
Ask for more drugs, they try to put it in my IV and realize that my IV has come out and the drugs that they had put in already had infiltrated into my hand. Anesthesiologist puts in another IV and pumps some more pain medication.  Nurse tries to bring me crackers to eat, but I need something gluten free, so they have to hunt down something else. They bring me some yogurt.  It is very sweet. Something like Boston Crème Pie. I stomach a few bites. Stomach starts doing flips.  Go to the restroom and have some dry heaves then start throwing up some green substance.  It is unpleasant. Get dressed back into my clothes and wheeled out to the car.  I grab the plastic bag provided to me for the drive home. 

7:30- Get home, walking from the car into the house proves to be too much. Quickly get to the
bathroom just in time. Go to bed and proceed to try every possible position with every possible pillow to get comfortable and do not succeed.

12:30am- Move to the couch and attempt to sleep, but just spend the night watching Big Bang Theory reruns. 

Fast forward to today, Friday October 24th.  In a drugged up haze.  I can barely keep my eyes open, but not actually sleep.  I did sleep last night though for a bit, so seeing some progress.  The pain is starting to lessen slightly, so I am hoping to be able to transition to less drugs maybe tomorrow. 

I keep thinking about how grateful I am that we bought these new couches this year. Thank goodness my husband insisted on spending the extra money for the reclining seats. I never imagined how much time I would be spending on them when we bought them, but it has definitely gotten its use this year.

Hair Woes

6 weeks post chemo

Feeling pretty good. Energy is getting better and muscle aches are subsiding. Did the Susan G Komen Race For A Cure 5k and it kicked my butt. Just walked it and afterwards I was beat!!! But it's a start.

Hair is starting to grow, but SLOWLY!!! I hate being bald!  I hate wigs! Hate them! They are itchy, uncomfortable and hot and none of them look "natural", but yet I also hate going without them. I feel awkward and self conscious and exposed.  I just can't wait for my hair to be back!
Here is the very little hair growth as of today:

 

In the meantime I make many many attempts to try and find a look that I like that is also comfortable, easy and cool, but so far I have not been incredibly successful.  I will continue on my quest as I fear I have a very loooong road back to pretty hair!! :(

Only 3 weeks left til my surgery.  21 day countdown til I am free of these plastic nightmares!!

And today is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Please if you haven't already, do a self exam.  Check regularly, be familiar with your body regularly so that you will notice any changes right away.  It can happen to anyone.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Don't wait for the doctor to check annually, don't wait until you are scheduled for a mammogram.  You have to look out for you on a regular basis and know your own body and any changes from your "normal".  I love you all and please take care of yourselves!! XOXO

sushi, pedi's and wine

5 weeks post chemo.

Spent time with friends drinking wine. Check!

Pedicure. Check!

Sushi. Check!

Hair growth.............

I guess 3 out of 4 ain't bad!

Getting back to normal.

29 days until the plastic cups on my chest are gone!!! Yay!!

Messes, masks and muscle aches

At home trying to do a little bit of work from home since I feel terrible that I have missed so much work.  Unfortunately after Labor Day weekend, we all returned back to the office to find a river running through it!  A toilet broke over the weekend and completely flooded the entire office.  It is awful.  Furniture was moved and disassembled, carpet torn out, base boards removed, large fans and dehumidifiers plugged in and tubes and plugs running all over the office.  I am paranoid and freaked out about what bacteria is forming or what's floating around in the air.  I left the office early and missed days last week and ended up having to wear a face mask when I was there.  It's embarrassing, annoying and frustrating.  Chemo treatments are over, but it is still a major inconvenience in my life!! My immune system is still compromised and I still don't know how worried I have to be about getting sick!  The doctor doesn't recommend that I be there. It's a little scary. But I just want to be back to normal.  I cant wait to be able to get back to my normal routine. Normal work routine and also normal workout routine.  I have been anxious to get back to exercising, but it is slow going.  My legs have pretty bad muscle and bone pain and any cardio has been pretty hard to do much of.  It's frustrating.  I know its only been three weeks and I need more patience, but I am just so excited to get back to normalcy. But today has been three weeks and one day, so this is the longest my body has been without any poisons in it for over three months! ;)

I made it!

Laying in bed at 8am with Riley on this great day off on this beautiful Labor Day, shockingly my husband has made me breakfast in bed, and I am just soaking up the extra rest.  Besides the crazy tiredness I am feeling pretty good. The "yucky" is gone. No more nausea or queasy, the pain and aches are gone, the numbness and tingling is gone, the film in my mouth is Almost gone and I can taste my food. Things are good. I made it!  This was a battle that I never expected to have to fight and really took me off guard, but I am grateful that I had the tools to fight it.  I have really good friends and family,  I have good bosses and coworkers and because of them I have good insurance and I have good doctors.  I feel so awful for anyone going through this that is not lucky enough to have all of that support to get through this.  This was not easy and I could Not have done it without all of  the awesome support that I have.   I know that this battle is probably not really over.  I still have medications and screenings to deal with and I think that once you have CANCER there is always going to be that fear and worry and risk of a recurrence  and you will probably never really be completely at ease, but I am going to  do my best to be hopeful and positive and enjoy this wonderful life.   Looking forward to all the little things. Can't wait til my immune system is back to normal so I can get a pedicure and eat sushi. Looking forward to growing hair!  To working out. To just living my normal life.  And thank you to all of the people in my life for making it such a wonderful life to live.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Wake up at 6 AM to that sweet little face that I love so much, but so am not in the mood for just yet.  My stomach is turning, my head aches, I hurt to the touch.  She wants to give me hugs and cuddle, but that hurts. I get up and take my nausea medication which keeps me from wanting to die, but just barely!  I make us breakfast and make my way to the spot where  I will spend the rest of my day.  Thank goodness for grandma coming to take that sweet little face to go play at her house where she doesn't have to see my disgusted whiny face all day.  It's crazy how I am able to forget how awful this is from three weeks ago. I mean I knew it sucks, which is why I was dreading it, but I still forget the    details.   I wish I could just melt into the couch and sleep away the crappy feelings, but unfortunately I'm just too damned uncomfortable to sleep.  My neck hurts, my back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my stomach hurts. I feel like I have to eat all day long in order to not feel like I'm gonna hurl.  Thank goodness for good friends that have been bringing me food, so I don't have to worry about dinner.  I can't wait to forget about this feeling and never be able to remember what the details feel like.  So I lay hear feeling awful and miserable, but my husband brought me ice cream and my daughter is cuddling with me and this almost over. There is the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could run through it, but I'm too tired, but I'm getting there.

Third Time is Not the Charm

Four Days after my third treatment and this just Sucks!!! This does not get any easier with any experience or knowledge.   This is hard!!
A few things that I have learned:

Don't think it can't get any worse.......cause it most certainly can!

Cancer in the summer is not wise, hot flashes suck!

Pillows are awesome and you can never have too many.

Ice cream is the best!

This face can cure all:

Bald Girl Problems

Itching my bald head with a surreal feeling that I really have no hair.  Still seems so crazy.  I wish I was one of these confident women that didn't care about hair and boobs or makeup and eyebrows, but I'm just not.  I'm struggling with trying to be comfortable.  I still don't feel comfortable rocking the bald and not caring what people think, but wigging out is definitely NOT comfortable.   I am trying to perfect the head pat and itching my scalp without knocking a wig off of my head.  I've been trying everything. Half wigs, whole wigs, wigs with hats, wigs with headbands, half wigs with scarves.  Everyday is a new look and its always a mystery to friends and coworkers which persona will show up each day.  Still not looking forward to losing eyebrows and eyelashes, but on a positive note, I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in weeks!! 

Boring

I'm bored.  I've been sitting on this couch for way too long.  Got my second chemo treatment 6 days ago.   I feel like I went in more prepared this time, so I handled it a little better.  But there is no getting around the laying around.  I get so tired and have such little energy that a walk to the kitchen is taxing.   I now have way too much knowledge of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Feeling better now, but still cant do a whole lot and have to be careful about germs and bacteria, so now I'm just bored.   The hubby and kiddo are off at Raging Waters, which since that is just a giant pee pond, I am stuck at home, bored!!  And on top of bored, I'm HUNGRY.  My appetite is definitely not a problem.  I feel like I could eat ALL day long.  And everything sounds so good, but unfortunately, nothing actually tastes good!!!  My mouth is just gross!!!  There is no other explanation. Yuck!!  And I am still not adjusting really well to being bald.  Every time I go out, I feel paranoid that everyone is looking at me.  It's still a little awkward and I really need to get more comfortable in my own skin.  I am sure it will get easier, but for now I am still missing my hair!! Looking forward to feeling good the next two weeks.  And almost at the half way point! Yay!! 

Happy 4th of July

So Wednesday July 2nd I wake up and there is a whole lot of hair falling out of my head. I decide not to take a shower in an effort to keep my hair as long as possible. Originally my goal was to keep it through the beach house, but now I've decided I'd also like to keep it through 4th of July.  So I try not to touch it or do anything to disturb the hair and cause it to come out.  By Thursday morning after showering the amount of hair loss is stating to look a little shabby.  I wear a hat to work to hide the visible scalp.  I make it through the day and it's not looking too awful just yet.  Friday morning I shower and the hair is just falling out of my head. I honestly don't know if much is even in my scalp at all or just sitting on my head. Every time you pull at the hair it just comes right out. It's so weird and crazy.  I decide I have enough left to put a scarf over my very thinning scalp and still have my own hair. We have an awesome morning and afternoon with family and friends at the Ontario parade and then the annual pool party.  I am self conscious about my hair constantly shedding around me and my scarf riding up so you can see my scalp, but I'm pretty sure no one else notices and I'm just being paranoid.   I know I'm going to have to shave my head tomorrow and am just trying to come to grips with my reality.  We've been giving Glenn a hard time about shaving his head with me, but he is very concerned about his thinning hair never coming back.  But after a couple of beers he has a change of heart! :) So he breaks out the clippers and I get to do the honors!   He looks surprisingly good. :). But then the alcohol helps start a trend and we are joined by two more courageous souls that want to show their support and give me more courage. So we shave Jerry's very soft and beautiful hair and then Chris decides to sport a little shorter do in support.  I am still unsure if I have the courage to do the deed with an audience, but Glenn convinces me that doing it while I have the support around me would probably be easier than waiting til the morning when my cheering squad isn't there! :). So I bite the bullet and take my turn in the hot seat!  We decide to have a little fun with it at first and shave my hair into a Mohawk . It's fun and takes away my emotional reaction to losing my hair.  I have awesome friends! :)  I watch the fireworks with a Mohawk next to my bald husband and awesome and supportive daughter and feel like despite my recent bad luck I am a pretty lucky woman.
So this morning we shaved my head. I am bald. I am officially a cancer patient! :( But it's a beautiful Saturday with my beautiful family and I have a smile on my face!

Blah, Blah, Blah

Day 4 of first chemo treatment.  This is rough!  Not sure what I expected or if there was any way to really be prepared for this.  Everything hurts.  I am so drained.  It is a little scary thinking of what is happening to my body.  Knowing that all of these symptoms are being caused by things in my body being poisoned and no longer working properly is very creepy and unpleasant.  My doctor gave me a list of some of the side effects to expect and he mentioned a major case of the blah's and that is pretty accurate.  I just feel blah all over.  My tummy feels blah, my head feels blah, my mouth feels blah. I have no energy and my brain is fuzzy.  Its just pretty much....Blah!!!!  It's difficult to go from feeling like a healthy, fit young woman and then bam suddenly being told that you actually are not healthy and the only way to actually be healthy is to become a sick person!!  I know I need to focus on the big picture and know that I will be that healthy, fit young woman again, but right now I just need a good pout!!

1 down, 3 to go!

Woke up feeling pretty stressed out and nervous.  This is what I have been dreading since I heard the other dreaded C word 3 months ago.

Had to make breakfast, get Riley ready for a Disneyland day with grandma and go shop for food to make for my chemo lunch.  Packed up my chemo bag (books, kindle, laptop, blanket, lunch, snacks, water). Head down to the center and make pretty good time, traffic isn't too bad.  Get to the center and they call us back. Unfortunately my insurance still hasn't given authorization for one of the drugs, so we have to wait awhile.  All the other ladies there are very friendly and talkative.  Most are dealing with worse situations that I am, so puts into perspective to me that it could be worse and be grateful that I caught mine early.  Finally after a little over an hour, my insurance gives the ok. So I get hooked up. They give me a cocktail of drugs before they start the actual chemo. Nausea medication, Benadryl and Pepcid.  The Benadryl immediately kicks my ass. Makes me feel totally drugged out and can hardly walk, speak or keep my head upright.  I try to sleep, but it is a very restless sleep and after about an hour I give up and start talking to another lady that has just arrived.  The rest of the treatment is pretty boring. I read, watch tv and chat.   And before I know it, it's over.  I have a pretty bad headache, but other than that I feel ok.  I am scared of what's to come and don't know what to expect. I am freaked out knowing that I have just introduced a toxin into my body that is currently killing important cells in my body and there is no going back. My immune system will go down, My hair will fall out, my skin will dry up, and i will be exhausted and there is nothing I can do about it. It's done. It is what it is and I just need to try and get through it however I can.   Officially 6 weeks post surgery today.  And 12 weeks to go until treatment is done.  I think I can, I think I can.  

Really Really Sucks

Two steps forward......three steps back!!

Things have been going pretty good.  Went back to work. Started working out.  Went camping over the weekend and spent fun times with friends and family. My range of motion is pretty good and I can lift most things now.  Still sleep pretty awful, but overall feeling good. 

Got up this morning at 4:15, pressure in my chest and expander's poking and prodding.  Stressing about having to start taking tamoxifen and thinking about hot flashes and fatigue and regretting doing research last night.  I have appointments with my plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I know that my oncologist is going to tell me I have to start my hormone therapy today and I am dreading it.  I get showered and ready and Sarah arrives to join me and Riley.  We get in the car and drive down to Orange County.  The traffic is bad, but we get there with plenty of time and go get breakfast at Corner Bakery.  Then we go and check in at the office.  Get called in for Dr. Gaon's office for my next expansion.  Dr. Gaon goes ahead and pumps in another 80 cc's and it is crazy how much bigger they get!!  I actually have boobs.  Dr. Gaon says I probably only need one more expansion and then I'll be done.  Looks like I'll be ready for my replacement surgery sooner than I thought. Yay.  Go back into the waiting room to wait for my appointment with Dr. Link.  Dr. Link calls us into his office, says that the good thing is that the lymph nodes were clear and my tumor was less than 2cm, which is good, HOWEVER, should have known there would be a HOWEVER!! So, however, my Mammaprint testing came back high risk, so..........Chemo it is!! I thought for sure I was going to dodge that bullet.  I was feeling so positive!!  So in a couple of days I will be pumped full of some nasty ass drugs, feel like crap and lose my hair.  I have already been cut open and had parts cut off and plastic parts jammed in that are incredibly painful and uncomfortable, I was kind of hoping I had been through enough.  Have I mentioned that cancer really really SUCKS!!!!!

Inflation

I awake at 5:15, I hear Glenn in the bathroom shaving or brushing his teeth and am in such discomfort from lying down that I have to get up. I'm still tired and wish I could sleep in, but I have to sit up to get the pressure off of my chest.  Sleep is something that has still given me a whole lot of grief.  I try to sleep on the recliner or propped up on dozens of pillows on my back, but after a few hours I have so much pressure on my chest and it hurts like crazy, but if I try and sleep on my side I get shooting pain down my sides.  There is no such thing as a comfortable position.  So anyways, I get up and make breakfast, take a shower, and put on my padded tank that I found at Styles For Less yesterday to help give the slight illusion of a boob. Then sleepy head wakes up and  I get her ready. Sarah comes to take me to my appointment.  We drop Riley off at Sue's and then head out. We get to the office and check in and get our pager and then sit down.  I go use the restroom and when I come out they have already paged us to head in.  We go in and I have to change into my gown.  Only a few minutes later Dr. Gaon comes in and we chat and I ask him some questions and then it's time.  He gives me a local anesthetic and then uses the magnet to find the right location and then he puts the needle into that spot and then starts pushing the saline solution. He asks me if I feel any pressure and I say not yet, so he says ok, let's do a little more then.  He adds a total of 80 cc's on each side.  I look down then and it is truly crazy to see the transformation.  It's like inflating a beach ball.  Like I took a few big breaths and gave it couple blows and then look to see my progress. So incredibly bizarre.  Well certainly an interesting and new experience for both me and the mother-in-law. :)   So we are on our way. Every two weeks  a few times and viola, boob!!  Now just to take some ibuprofen and lie here with an ice pack on my chest.

I'm drainless, baby!!!!!

Oh Happy Day!! Got my drains removed today!!! No more baggy shirts, no more pouches and ribbons holding them up, no more showering with a sopping wet robe belt around my neck!! Hooray! I feel so light and free.  Amazing how exciting this is, but seriously, it is super exciting.  I thought they might start the expansions today too, but he said not until next week. Still swollen and sore and wants one more week to get recovered before we begin the process.  Doing pretty well. Pain is pretty tolerable at this point. Just feeling sore and have a lot of pressure from the tissue expanders.  They are NOT comfortable. Kind of feels like I am wearing an underwire bra that is a size too small that I can not take off!!! :(. Sleep is still hard. I feel a lot of pressure when I lie on my sides and even lying on my back, which I hate by the way, I wake up with lots of pressure on my chest.  But overall feel like things are better than I thought they might be. Only two weeks after surgery and I am taking small walks and taking Riley to school and running some errands.  Start physical therapy Thursday to help start some exercises to help get back range of motion in my arms and start building back some strength.  Friends and fam have still been amazing, everyone is still bringing us dinner every night and  I am still amazed at how lucky I am to have such an awesome support team to rely on.   Today is a good day!!

Feeling positive

Post-Op day. Saw Dr Link and he said everything looked really good from the pathology after surgery . Still need to send my tumor off to a lab that will grade my risk of recurrence and determine treatment, but he thinks everything looks really good.  Then saw my surgeons and everything was looking good.  Got one more drain taken out.  Super creepy feeling, by the way, and by the look on Stephanie's face as they did it, I'm guessing it looks pretty creepy too. Two down, two to go. But Dr Gaon says I can have the other two removed on Tuesday., so yay, almost done!  He may even start doing the expansion next week too.  A little nervous about starting that, but the sooner we start the sooner it's all over.  Met a new friend that stopped by the Breastlink center to say Hi and got to see how amazing she looks 3 weeks post op from the final reconstruction surgery and made me feel super hopeful and optomistic about my future. So overall a pretty good day, but the best part was that I got to take a shower, a real shower, and it was amazing!!!! :).  Feel like I had hit the bottom last week, but I'm definitely on my way up! :)