So it has been several days since my last post, but I haven't really felt like there was much to update on. It's been a little bit like 'Groundhog Day', living the same day over and over. I get up, wrap my head around my current life situation and then begin to list and process all of the phone calls that need to be made for the day. Which office is currently supposed to be submitting authorizations or is awaiting an authorization or needs to submit further documentation or redo an authorization? Then I spend most of the day on hold and trying to coordinate all of the proper paperwork to the proper place and then am exhausted, frustrated and disappointed by the end of the day and then go to bed and prepare to do it again. I am really trying to stay hopeful that things are about to change and start going my way, but it's getting harder and harder to keep up any positivity.
I've still been trying to enjoy as much as possible. Had a good weekend, spending time with friends and family. Trying to get in as many workouts as I can while I can. Went to yoga too. I think I will try and get back into again until I cant anymore.
Had to go get blood work done today and Riley braved it with me. We did it together and she did great. She cried for a little bit, which she had hoped not to do, but I think it hurt a lot more than she anticipated! :( But she sucked it up to ensure there was a popsicle in her future! :)
I have a scheduled breast MRI this Thursday and will definitely need a promise of a popsicle or something to give me motivation, because I am stressing hardcore about this. My deep anxiety of being unable to escape is in high gear. I do have the option of getting a sedative, but my anxiety about medication is causing my stress level to continue at an alarming rate.
I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is the easiest thing I will have to endure in the near future, but rationality is not always my strong suit.
Well here's to hoping that tomorrow brings a day worth posting about!! :)
Monday, March 31, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Please continue to hold.............
March 25, 2014
Couldn't they at least make their hold music something more fun and upbeat? This classical crap just makes me sleepier and crankier. Currently sitting on hold with HealthNet for the last 45 minutes. This is only like my third call to them TODAY! Trying to keep myself calm and stop from going bonkers. I have definitely lost it a couple of times just today. But I am considering it a good day. Some progress made. Saw a new surgeon from the City of Hope in South Pasadena and she seemed very good and talked to me about my options in a way that made it a lot more clear about what I will probably have to do. Now trying to simultaneously coordinate with insurance to actually get anything done while also coming to grips with what my life is going to look like for the next year. Trying to just remind myself that my life for the next year is going to be awful, but then I will be alive and everything will be fine and this will just be a bump in my road. Went to a breast cancer support group and listened to lots of other women share their stories of overcoming this and dealing with this shitty hand. It's good to just think about the day when I can tell the stories of how I made it through.
OMG! After 45 minutes on hold, my cell phone just dropped the call!!!!! Aaaahhhhh!
Couldn't they at least make their hold music something more fun and upbeat? This classical crap just makes me sleepier and crankier. Currently sitting on hold with HealthNet for the last 45 minutes. This is only like my third call to them TODAY! Trying to keep myself calm and stop from going bonkers. I have definitely lost it a couple of times just today. But I am considering it a good day. Some progress made. Saw a new surgeon from the City of Hope in South Pasadena and she seemed very good and talked to me about my options in a way that made it a lot more clear about what I will probably have to do. Now trying to simultaneously coordinate with insurance to actually get anything done while also coming to grips with what my life is going to look like for the next year. Trying to just remind myself that my life for the next year is going to be awful, but then I will be alive and everything will be fine and this will just be a bump in my road. Went to a breast cancer support group and listened to lots of other women share their stories of overcoming this and dealing with this shitty hand. It's good to just think about the day when I can tell the stories of how I made it through.
OMG! After 45 minutes on hold, my cell phone just dropped the call!!!!! Aaaahhhhh!
Friday, March 21, 2014
HMO Nightmares
So turns out that if you have cancer AND an HMO, life can become extremely difficult!! Now more than ever, I really really wish we had a different health care system. I truly can not believe how difficult is to get care and I always thought I had good insurance. I've seen one surgeon that is just a general surgeon and does not specialize in breast surgery and isn't familiar with all of the options of breast cancer surgery, so I figure well I will just get a second and third opinion and make sure I know all of my options and go with who I feel the most comfortable with, but turns out, it's really not that simple. In order to see anyone else, my Dr has to submit a request, which has to be reviewed and approved within 5-7 days and that is just to authorize to get a second opinion. This does not authorize the Dr to provide any care or testing of any kind, that is separate request that has to be made. And this is before I even have a chance to talk to the Dr to determine if I even like them. And if I want to actually go to a breast cancer center or specialty hospital then of course authorization has to be requested and they require notes from all the doctors you've seen, and they are out of the office in and unable to finish their notes to provide to the medical group that they have 5-7 days to respond and may just send me a denial after all of this wasted time while I await treatment for CANCER!!! No big deal, I guess!! I've paid for insurance since I was 18 and rarely needed it and now that I am sick, you would think that all that time of paying for something I didn't need would all be worth it now!!! As if I didn't have enough problems and things to figure out, I have to make phone calls all day long to harass doctors, and insurance companies and office assistants to push through paperwork so that I can even try and get any care. Best health care system in the world, huh?!??!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Decisions Decisions
So officially one week into this nightmare! Finally got to see my oncologist. She informed me that my cancer is hormone positive, HER2 negative which is apparently a good thing. I need to be tested for the BRCA gene, hoping its negative so that I don't have to worry about my sisters or beautiful daughter!! :( So it's my turn to make a decision about my surgical options. This is not an easy task. I truly have no clue what is the best decision. I am terrified of all options and hate that I have to make this decision at all. There is no good answer. So I guess my next few days will consist of talking to anyone and everyone who has ever been through this and researching every imaginable option. I miss sleep so much!
Monday, March 17, 2014
TMI
March 17, 2014
The last few days have been a tad bit overwhelming. I now have a lot more information about things I wish I never ever had to know. Having to learn about lumpectomies, mastectomies, HER2, BRCA genes, radiation, hormone blockers, chemo......and on and on. It's unpleasant to say the least. Especially while waiting in limbo for doctors appointments to even have the ability to consider my options. Its a horrible waiting game. Not to mention the plethora of phone calls to insurance companies and doctors to try and coordinate authorizations and referrals that end up being denied anyways. It's a very frustrating and infuriating situation. But I have also had a wonderful outpouring of support and love from my awesome friends and family and have been reminded how lucky I truly am to have such a strong support system.
I am awaiting my appointment to see my oncologist Wednesday morning and will hopefully have a better idea of what I am going to do at that time. I just cant wait for this to all be over so I can just go back to being the lucky wife, mom, sister and friend.
The last few days have been a tad bit overwhelming. I now have a lot more information about things I wish I never ever had to know. Having to learn about lumpectomies, mastectomies, HER2, BRCA genes, radiation, hormone blockers, chemo......and on and on. It's unpleasant to say the least. Especially while waiting in limbo for doctors appointments to even have the ability to consider my options. Its a horrible waiting game. Not to mention the plethora of phone calls to insurance companies and doctors to try and coordinate authorizations and referrals that end up being denied anyways. It's a very frustrating and infuriating situation. But I have also had a wonderful outpouring of support and love from my awesome friends and family and have been reminded how lucky I truly am to have such a strong support system.
I am awaiting my appointment to see my oncologist Wednesday morning and will hopefully have a better idea of what I am going to do at that time. I just cant wait for this to all be over so I can just go back to being the lucky wife, mom, sister and friend.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Wait.....What??
March 13, 2014
When your doctor says, "You have cancer", you kind of have an out of body experience. Like you're looking at someone else in a movie or tv show or something. This cant possibly be reality. How is that possible?
Yesterday I was a working mom, wife, fitness fanatic, sister, friend.......and today I HAVE CANCER.
Its like all of those other people I was no longer exist and I just have cancer. It consumes every ounce of my being. I keep replaying the doctor repeating the words "you have cancer" over and over and can not wrap my head around the fact that this is actually my reality.
I know that thousands of other women have been through this and that does give me some comfort, but there is no situation from this point on where life is not going to suck for at least a little while. It is going to be painful, stressful, scary and sad and I am super grateful that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and do not have to deal with this alone, but I cant help but be angry and frustrated that this is happening to me.
So basically this is how it went down.
I am laying in bed playing on my phone when I drop it and it hits me in the boob. I think to myself that really hurt for some reason and rub the spot that ached and noticed that I thought I felt something. I double and triple check as my heart starts to pump a little faster. I say something to Glenn and ask him to double check and he feels something too, so my heart drops in my stomach momentarily while I try and talk myself out of any panic. I go to sleep and wake up and get ready for work. After 9am passes by I make an appointment with my OB-gyn for three days later. My regular doctor isn't available, so I go to the other office in Chino Hills and I am not thrilled with the doctor that I see and she feels around and tells me that she thinks I just have lumpy breasts and she feels several different things so she isn't worried, but she'll order a mammogram and ultrasound just to be safe. I make an apt and go in to have my breast smushed and smashed and then proceed to the ultrasound room to have them now probed and prodded. The technician leaves the room and comes back with the doctor who then starts to view the ultrasound and tells me that they would like to do an biopsy because there is definitely something there, but not to worry, it is usually nothing. But of course it only mildy eases the unease that I am feeling at this point. Again I try to push it aside. I then have to schedule the biopsy. The procedure is painful and unpleasant and I am so focused on just making it through this awful procedure that I forget for a moment to be scared of the reason I am doing it. After I am done, they say that the results take 2-3 days to be sent to my doctor and that no news is good news so not to worry if I don't hear anything, that they would usually let them know sooner if there was anything to worry about. So I schedule a follow up appointment with my regular OB-gyn for a week later. So I wait and wait and never hear anything, but the following Monday I am pretty confident that since I have heard nothing, that clearly I am good to go and nothing to worry about. I go to my follow up appointment. Sit in the office waiting and waiting. Reading my romance novel and truly not feeling any anxiety or worries. In walks the dr, sits across from me and just comes out with it, "we have your results and it's not good. You have cancer!" Again, that's when I kind of shut off. Its just not possible. I am a pretty emotional person so tears were a given and my doctor is incredibly sweet and tried her best to comfort me. I know I will be fine, but I just want this to all be over with. I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to take a ton of drugs, I don't want to have chemo or radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I am scared of it all, but I know I will get through it and everything will be fine. But for right now I just want to scream a little bit!!!!
When your doctor says, "You have cancer", you kind of have an out of body experience. Like you're looking at someone else in a movie or tv show or something. This cant possibly be reality. How is that possible?
Yesterday I was a working mom, wife, fitness fanatic, sister, friend.......and today I HAVE CANCER.
Its like all of those other people I was no longer exist and I just have cancer. It consumes every ounce of my being. I keep replaying the doctor repeating the words "you have cancer" over and over and can not wrap my head around the fact that this is actually my reality.
I know that thousands of other women have been through this and that does give me some comfort, but there is no situation from this point on where life is not going to suck for at least a little while. It is going to be painful, stressful, scary and sad and I am super grateful that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and do not have to deal with this alone, but I cant help but be angry and frustrated that this is happening to me.
So basically this is how it went down.
I am laying in bed playing on my phone when I drop it and it hits me in the boob. I think to myself that really hurt for some reason and rub the spot that ached and noticed that I thought I felt something. I double and triple check as my heart starts to pump a little faster. I say something to Glenn and ask him to double check and he feels something too, so my heart drops in my stomach momentarily while I try and talk myself out of any panic. I go to sleep and wake up and get ready for work. After 9am passes by I make an appointment with my OB-gyn for three days later. My regular doctor isn't available, so I go to the other office in Chino Hills and I am not thrilled with the doctor that I see and she feels around and tells me that she thinks I just have lumpy breasts and she feels several different things so she isn't worried, but she'll order a mammogram and ultrasound just to be safe. I make an apt and go in to have my breast smushed and smashed and then proceed to the ultrasound room to have them now probed and prodded. The technician leaves the room and comes back with the doctor who then starts to view the ultrasound and tells me that they would like to do an biopsy because there is definitely something there, but not to worry, it is usually nothing. But of course it only mildy eases the unease that I am feeling at this point. Again I try to push it aside. I then have to schedule the biopsy. The procedure is painful and unpleasant and I am so focused on just making it through this awful procedure that I forget for a moment to be scared of the reason I am doing it. After I am done, they say that the results take 2-3 days to be sent to my doctor and that no news is good news so not to worry if I don't hear anything, that they would usually let them know sooner if there was anything to worry about. So I schedule a follow up appointment with my regular OB-gyn for a week later. So I wait and wait and never hear anything, but the following Monday I am pretty confident that since I have heard nothing, that clearly I am good to go and nothing to worry about. I go to my follow up appointment. Sit in the office waiting and waiting. Reading my romance novel and truly not feeling any anxiety or worries. In walks the dr, sits across from me and just comes out with it, "we have your results and it's not good. You have cancer!" Again, that's when I kind of shut off. Its just not possible. I am a pretty emotional person so tears were a given and my doctor is incredibly sweet and tried her best to comfort me. I know I will be fine, but I just want this to all be over with. I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to take a ton of drugs, I don't want to have chemo or radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I am scared of it all, but I know I will get through it and everything will be fine. But for right now I just want to scream a little bit!!!!
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