Blah, Blah, Blah

Day 4 of first chemo treatment.  This is rough!  Not sure what I expected or if there was any way to really be prepared for this.  Everything hurts.  I am so drained.  It is a little scary thinking of what is happening to my body.  Knowing that all of these symptoms are being caused by things in my body being poisoned and no longer working properly is very creepy and unpleasant.  My doctor gave me a list of some of the side effects to expect and he mentioned a major case of the blah's and that is pretty accurate.  I just feel blah all over.  My tummy feels blah, my head feels blah, my mouth feels blah. I have no energy and my brain is fuzzy.  Its just pretty much....Blah!!!!  It's difficult to go from feeling like a healthy, fit young woman and then bam suddenly being told that you actually are not healthy and the only way to actually be healthy is to become a sick person!!  I know I need to focus on the big picture and know that I will be that healthy, fit young woman again, but right now I just need a good pout!!

1 down, 3 to go!

Woke up feeling pretty stressed out and nervous.  This is what I have been dreading since I heard the other dreaded C word 3 months ago.

Had to make breakfast, get Riley ready for a Disneyland day with grandma and go shop for food to make for my chemo lunch.  Packed up my chemo bag (books, kindle, laptop, blanket, lunch, snacks, water). Head down to the center and make pretty good time, traffic isn't too bad.  Get to the center and they call us back. Unfortunately my insurance still hasn't given authorization for one of the drugs, so we have to wait awhile.  All the other ladies there are very friendly and talkative.  Most are dealing with worse situations that I am, so puts into perspective to me that it could be worse and be grateful that I caught mine early.  Finally after a little over an hour, my insurance gives the ok. So I get hooked up. They give me a cocktail of drugs before they start the actual chemo. Nausea medication, Benadryl and Pepcid.  The Benadryl immediately kicks my ass. Makes me feel totally drugged out and can hardly walk, speak or keep my head upright.  I try to sleep, but it is a very restless sleep and after about an hour I give up and start talking to another lady that has just arrived.  The rest of the treatment is pretty boring. I read, watch tv and chat.   And before I know it, it's over.  I have a pretty bad headache, but other than that I feel ok.  I am scared of what's to come and don't know what to expect. I am freaked out knowing that I have just introduced a toxin into my body that is currently killing important cells in my body and there is no going back. My immune system will go down, My hair will fall out, my skin will dry up, and i will be exhausted and there is nothing I can do about it. It's done. It is what it is and I just need to try and get through it however I can.   Officially 6 weeks post surgery today.  And 12 weeks to go until treatment is done.  I think I can, I think I can.  

Really Really Sucks

Two steps forward......three steps back!!

Things have been going pretty good.  Went back to work. Started working out.  Went camping over the weekend and spent fun times with friends and family. My range of motion is pretty good and I can lift most things now.  Still sleep pretty awful, but overall feeling good. 

Got up this morning at 4:15, pressure in my chest and expander's poking and prodding.  Stressing about having to start taking tamoxifen and thinking about hot flashes and fatigue and regretting doing research last night.  I have appointments with my plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I know that my oncologist is going to tell me I have to start my hormone therapy today and I am dreading it.  I get showered and ready and Sarah arrives to join me and Riley.  We get in the car and drive down to Orange County.  The traffic is bad, but we get there with plenty of time and go get breakfast at Corner Bakery.  Then we go and check in at the office.  Get called in for Dr. Gaon's office for my next expansion.  Dr. Gaon goes ahead and pumps in another 80 cc's and it is crazy how much bigger they get!!  I actually have boobs.  Dr. Gaon says I probably only need one more expansion and then I'll be done.  Looks like I'll be ready for my replacement surgery sooner than I thought. Yay.  Go back into the waiting room to wait for my appointment with Dr. Link.  Dr. Link calls us into his office, says that the good thing is that the lymph nodes were clear and my tumor was less than 2cm, which is good, HOWEVER, should have known there would be a HOWEVER!! So, however, my Mammaprint testing came back high risk, so..........Chemo it is!! I thought for sure I was going to dodge that bullet.  I was feeling so positive!!  So in a couple of days I will be pumped full of some nasty ass drugs, feel like crap and lose my hair.  I have already been cut open and had parts cut off and plastic parts jammed in that are incredibly painful and uncomfortable, I was kind of hoping I had been through enough.  Have I mentioned that cancer really really SUCKS!!!!!