Ouch

Wednesday Oct 22, 2014

5:30am- Alarm goes off, I get up and eat some breakfast, cause I can't eat anything after 6am. (Boo)

8:15- Glenn walks Riley to school

11:30- Get in the car and head down to Orange (I'm Thirsty)

12:45- Get called back and get in my gown, blood pressure taken, IV placed and wait. (Anxiety kicks in)

2:05- Dr. Gaon comes in and does his markings all over my chest and stomach.

2:15- Anesthesiologist comes in and starts prepping his drugs for me.

2:30- Kiss Glenn and get rolled away down the hall.

5:00- Struggle to open my eyes, feel very tired, nauseous and in pain.
Ask for more drugs, they try to put it in my IV and realize that my IV has come out and the drugs that they had put in already had infiltrated into my hand. Anesthesiologist puts in another IV and pumps some more pain medication.  Nurse tries to bring me crackers to eat, but I need something gluten free, so they have to hunt down something else. They bring me some yogurt.  It is very sweet. Something like Boston Crème Pie. I stomach a few bites. Stomach starts doing flips.  Go to the restroom and have some dry heaves then start throwing up some green substance.  It is unpleasant. Get dressed back into my clothes and wheeled out to the car.  I grab the plastic bag provided to me for the drive home. 

7:30- Get home, walking from the car into the house proves to be too much. Quickly get to the
bathroom just in time. Go to bed and proceed to try every possible position with every possible pillow to get comfortable and do not succeed.

12:30am- Move to the couch and attempt to sleep, but just spend the night watching Big Bang Theory reruns. 

Fast forward to today, Friday October 24th.  In a drugged up haze.  I can barely keep my eyes open, but not actually sleep.  I did sleep last night though for a bit, so seeing some progress.  The pain is starting to lessen slightly, so I am hoping to be able to transition to less drugs maybe tomorrow. 

I keep thinking about how grateful I am that we bought these new couches this year. Thank goodness my husband insisted on spending the extra money for the reclining seats. I never imagined how much time I would be spending on them when we bought them, but it has definitely gotten its use this year.

Hair Woes

6 weeks post chemo

Feeling pretty good. Energy is getting better and muscle aches are subsiding. Did the Susan G Komen Race For A Cure 5k and it kicked my butt. Just walked it and afterwards I was beat!!! But it's a start.

Hair is starting to grow, but SLOWLY!!! I hate being bald!  I hate wigs! Hate them! They are itchy, uncomfortable and hot and none of them look "natural", but yet I also hate going without them. I feel awkward and self conscious and exposed.  I just can't wait for my hair to be back!
Here is the very little hair growth as of today:

 

In the meantime I make many many attempts to try and find a look that I like that is also comfortable, easy and cool, but so far I have not been incredibly successful.  I will continue on my quest as I fear I have a very loooong road back to pretty hair!! :(

Only 3 weeks left til my surgery.  21 day countdown til I am free of these plastic nightmares!!

And today is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness month.  Please if you haven't already, do a self exam.  Check regularly, be familiar with your body regularly so that you will notice any changes right away.  It can happen to anyone.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Don't wait for the doctor to check annually, don't wait until you are scheduled for a mammogram.  You have to look out for you on a regular basis and know your own body and any changes from your "normal".  I love you all and please take care of yourselves!! XOXO

sushi, pedi's and wine

5 weeks post chemo.

Spent time with friends drinking wine. Check!

Pedicure. Check!

Sushi. Check!

Hair growth.............

I guess 3 out of 4 ain't bad!

Getting back to normal.

29 days until the plastic cups on my chest are gone!!! Yay!!

Messes, masks and muscle aches

At home trying to do a little bit of work from home since I feel terrible that I have missed so much work.  Unfortunately after Labor Day weekend, we all returned back to the office to find a river running through it!  A toilet broke over the weekend and completely flooded the entire office.  It is awful.  Furniture was moved and disassembled, carpet torn out, base boards removed, large fans and dehumidifiers plugged in and tubes and plugs running all over the office.  I am paranoid and freaked out about what bacteria is forming or what's floating around in the air.  I left the office early and missed days last week and ended up having to wear a face mask when I was there.  It's embarrassing, annoying and frustrating.  Chemo treatments are over, but it is still a major inconvenience in my life!! My immune system is still compromised and I still don't know how worried I have to be about getting sick!  The doctor doesn't recommend that I be there. It's a little scary. But I just want to be back to normal.  I cant wait to be able to get back to my normal routine. Normal work routine and also normal workout routine.  I have been anxious to get back to exercising, but it is slow going.  My legs have pretty bad muscle and bone pain and any cardio has been pretty hard to do much of.  It's frustrating.  I know its only been three weeks and I need more patience, but I am just so excited to get back to normalcy. But today has been three weeks and one day, so this is the longest my body has been without any poisons in it for over three months! ;)

I made it!

Laying in bed at 8am with Riley on this great day off on this beautiful Labor Day, shockingly my husband has made me breakfast in bed, and I am just soaking up the extra rest.  Besides the crazy tiredness I am feeling pretty good. The "yucky" is gone. No more nausea or queasy, the pain and aches are gone, the numbness and tingling is gone, the film in my mouth is Almost gone and I can taste my food. Things are good. I made it!  This was a battle that I never expected to have to fight and really took me off guard, but I am grateful that I had the tools to fight it.  I have really good friends and family,  I have good bosses and coworkers and because of them I have good insurance and I have good doctors.  I feel so awful for anyone going through this that is not lucky enough to have all of that support to get through this.  This was not easy and I could Not have done it without all of  the awesome support that I have.   I know that this battle is probably not really over.  I still have medications and screenings to deal with and I think that once you have CANCER there is always going to be that fear and worry and risk of a recurrence  and you will probably never really be completely at ease, but I am going to  do my best to be hopeful and positive and enjoy this wonderful life.   Looking forward to all the little things. Can't wait til my immune system is back to normal so I can get a pedicure and eat sushi. Looking forward to growing hair!  To working out. To just living my normal life.  And thank you to all of the people in my life for making it such a wonderful life to live.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Wake up at 6 AM to that sweet little face that I love so much, but so am not in the mood for just yet.  My stomach is turning, my head aches, I hurt to the touch.  She wants to give me hugs and cuddle, but that hurts. I get up and take my nausea medication which keeps me from wanting to die, but just barely!  I make us breakfast and make my way to the spot where  I will spend the rest of my day.  Thank goodness for grandma coming to take that sweet little face to go play at her house where she doesn't have to see my disgusted whiny face all day.  It's crazy how I am able to forget how awful this is from three weeks ago. I mean I knew it sucks, which is why I was dreading it, but I still forget the    details.   I wish I could just melt into the couch and sleep away the crappy feelings, but unfortunately I'm just too damned uncomfortable to sleep.  My neck hurts, my back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my stomach hurts. I feel like I have to eat all day long in order to not feel like I'm gonna hurl.  Thank goodness for good friends that have been bringing me food, so I don't have to worry about dinner.  I can't wait to forget about this feeling and never be able to remember what the details feel like.  So I lay hear feeling awful and miserable, but my husband brought me ice cream and my daughter is cuddling with me and this almost over. There is the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could run through it, but I'm too tired, but I'm getting there.

Third Time is Not the Charm

Four Days after my third treatment and this just Sucks!!! This does not get any easier with any experience or knowledge.   This is hard!!
A few things that I have learned:

Don't think it can't get any worse.......cause it most certainly can!

Cancer in the summer is not wise, hot flashes suck!

Pillows are awesome and you can never have too many.

Ice cream is the best!

This face can cure all:

Bald Girl Problems

Itching my bald head with a surreal feeling that I really have no hair.  Still seems so crazy.  I wish I was one of these confident women that didn't care about hair and boobs or makeup and eyebrows, but I'm just not.  I'm struggling with trying to be comfortable.  I still don't feel comfortable rocking the bald and not caring what people think, but wigging out is definitely NOT comfortable.   I am trying to perfect the head pat and itching my scalp without knocking a wig off of my head.  I've been trying everything. Half wigs, whole wigs, wigs with hats, wigs with headbands, half wigs with scarves.  Everyday is a new look and its always a mystery to friends and coworkers which persona will show up each day.  Still not looking forward to losing eyebrows and eyelashes, but on a positive note, I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in weeks!! 

Boring

I'm bored.  I've been sitting on this couch for way too long.  Got my second chemo treatment 6 days ago.   I feel like I went in more prepared this time, so I handled it a little better.  But there is no getting around the laying around.  I get so tired and have such little energy that a walk to the kitchen is taxing.   I now have way too much knowledge of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Feeling better now, but still cant do a whole lot and have to be careful about germs and bacteria, so now I'm just bored.   The hubby and kiddo are off at Raging Waters, which since that is just a giant pee pond, I am stuck at home, bored!!  And on top of bored, I'm HUNGRY.  My appetite is definitely not a problem.  I feel like I could eat ALL day long.  And everything sounds so good, but unfortunately, nothing actually tastes good!!!  My mouth is just gross!!!  There is no other explanation. Yuck!!  And I am still not adjusting really well to being bald.  Every time I go out, I feel paranoid that everyone is looking at me.  It's still a little awkward and I really need to get more comfortable in my own skin.  I am sure it will get easier, but for now I am still missing my hair!! Looking forward to feeling good the next two weeks.  And almost at the half way point! Yay!! 

Happy 4th of July

So Wednesday July 2nd I wake up and there is a whole lot of hair falling out of my head. I decide not to take a shower in an effort to keep my hair as long as possible. Originally my goal was to keep it through the beach house, but now I've decided I'd also like to keep it through 4th of July.  So I try not to touch it or do anything to disturb the hair and cause it to come out.  By Thursday morning after showering the amount of hair loss is stating to look a little shabby.  I wear a hat to work to hide the visible scalp.  I make it through the day and it's not looking too awful just yet.  Friday morning I shower and the hair is just falling out of my head. I honestly don't know if much is even in my scalp at all or just sitting on my head. Every time you pull at the hair it just comes right out. It's so weird and crazy.  I decide I have enough left to put a scarf over my very thinning scalp and still have my own hair. We have an awesome morning and afternoon with family and friends at the Ontario parade and then the annual pool party.  I am self conscious about my hair constantly shedding around me and my scarf riding up so you can see my scalp, but I'm pretty sure no one else notices and I'm just being paranoid.   I know I'm going to have to shave my head tomorrow and am just trying to come to grips with my reality.  We've been giving Glenn a hard time about shaving his head with me, but he is very concerned about his thinning hair never coming back.  But after a couple of beers he has a change of heart! :) So he breaks out the clippers and I get to do the honors!   He looks surprisingly good. :). But then the alcohol helps start a trend and we are joined by two more courageous souls that want to show their support and give me more courage. So we shave Jerry's very soft and beautiful hair and then Chris decides to sport a little shorter do in support.  I am still unsure if I have the courage to do the deed with an audience, but Glenn convinces me that doing it while I have the support around me would probably be easier than waiting til the morning when my cheering squad isn't there! :). So I bite the bullet and take my turn in the hot seat!  We decide to have a little fun with it at first and shave my hair into a Mohawk . It's fun and takes away my emotional reaction to losing my hair.  I have awesome friends! :)  I watch the fireworks with a Mohawk next to my bald husband and awesome and supportive daughter and feel like despite my recent bad luck I am a pretty lucky woman.
So this morning we shaved my head. I am bald. I am officially a cancer patient! :( But it's a beautiful Saturday with my beautiful family and I have a smile on my face!

Blah, Blah, Blah

Day 4 of first chemo treatment.  This is rough!  Not sure what I expected or if there was any way to really be prepared for this.  Everything hurts.  I am so drained.  It is a little scary thinking of what is happening to my body.  Knowing that all of these symptoms are being caused by things in my body being poisoned and no longer working properly is very creepy and unpleasant.  My doctor gave me a list of some of the side effects to expect and he mentioned a major case of the blah's and that is pretty accurate.  I just feel blah all over.  My tummy feels blah, my head feels blah, my mouth feels blah. I have no energy and my brain is fuzzy.  Its just pretty much....Blah!!!!  It's difficult to go from feeling like a healthy, fit young woman and then bam suddenly being told that you actually are not healthy and the only way to actually be healthy is to become a sick person!!  I know I need to focus on the big picture and know that I will be that healthy, fit young woman again, but right now I just need a good pout!!

1 down, 3 to go!

Woke up feeling pretty stressed out and nervous.  This is what I have been dreading since I heard the other dreaded C word 3 months ago.

Had to make breakfast, get Riley ready for a Disneyland day with grandma and go shop for food to make for my chemo lunch.  Packed up my chemo bag (books, kindle, laptop, blanket, lunch, snacks, water). Head down to the center and make pretty good time, traffic isn't too bad.  Get to the center and they call us back. Unfortunately my insurance still hasn't given authorization for one of the drugs, so we have to wait awhile.  All the other ladies there are very friendly and talkative.  Most are dealing with worse situations that I am, so puts into perspective to me that it could be worse and be grateful that I caught mine early.  Finally after a little over an hour, my insurance gives the ok. So I get hooked up. They give me a cocktail of drugs before they start the actual chemo. Nausea medication, Benadryl and Pepcid.  The Benadryl immediately kicks my ass. Makes me feel totally drugged out and can hardly walk, speak or keep my head upright.  I try to sleep, but it is a very restless sleep and after about an hour I give up and start talking to another lady that has just arrived.  The rest of the treatment is pretty boring. I read, watch tv and chat.   And before I know it, it's over.  I have a pretty bad headache, but other than that I feel ok.  I am scared of what's to come and don't know what to expect. I am freaked out knowing that I have just introduced a toxin into my body that is currently killing important cells in my body and there is no going back. My immune system will go down, My hair will fall out, my skin will dry up, and i will be exhausted and there is nothing I can do about it. It's done. It is what it is and I just need to try and get through it however I can.   Officially 6 weeks post surgery today.  And 12 weeks to go until treatment is done.  I think I can, I think I can.  

Really Really Sucks

Two steps forward......three steps back!!

Things have been going pretty good.  Went back to work. Started working out.  Went camping over the weekend and spent fun times with friends and family. My range of motion is pretty good and I can lift most things now.  Still sleep pretty awful, but overall feeling good. 

Got up this morning at 4:15, pressure in my chest and expander's poking and prodding.  Stressing about having to start taking tamoxifen and thinking about hot flashes and fatigue and regretting doing research last night.  I have appointments with my plastic surgeon and oncologist.  I know that my oncologist is going to tell me I have to start my hormone therapy today and I am dreading it.  I get showered and ready and Sarah arrives to join me and Riley.  We get in the car and drive down to Orange County.  The traffic is bad, but we get there with plenty of time and go get breakfast at Corner Bakery.  Then we go and check in at the office.  Get called in for Dr. Gaon's office for my next expansion.  Dr. Gaon goes ahead and pumps in another 80 cc's and it is crazy how much bigger they get!!  I actually have boobs.  Dr. Gaon says I probably only need one more expansion and then I'll be done.  Looks like I'll be ready for my replacement surgery sooner than I thought. Yay.  Go back into the waiting room to wait for my appointment with Dr. Link.  Dr. Link calls us into his office, says that the good thing is that the lymph nodes were clear and my tumor was less than 2cm, which is good, HOWEVER, should have known there would be a HOWEVER!! So, however, my Mammaprint testing came back high risk, so..........Chemo it is!! I thought for sure I was going to dodge that bullet.  I was feeling so positive!!  So in a couple of days I will be pumped full of some nasty ass drugs, feel like crap and lose my hair.  I have already been cut open and had parts cut off and plastic parts jammed in that are incredibly painful and uncomfortable, I was kind of hoping I had been through enough.  Have I mentioned that cancer really really SUCKS!!!!!

Inflation

I awake at 5:15, I hear Glenn in the bathroom shaving or brushing his teeth and am in such discomfort from lying down that I have to get up. I'm still tired and wish I could sleep in, but I have to sit up to get the pressure off of my chest.  Sleep is something that has still given me a whole lot of grief.  I try to sleep on the recliner or propped up on dozens of pillows on my back, but after a few hours I have so much pressure on my chest and it hurts like crazy, but if I try and sleep on my side I get shooting pain down my sides.  There is no such thing as a comfortable position.  So anyways, I get up and make breakfast, take a shower, and put on my padded tank that I found at Styles For Less yesterday to help give the slight illusion of a boob. Then sleepy head wakes up and  I get her ready. Sarah comes to take me to my appointment.  We drop Riley off at Sue's and then head out. We get to the office and check in and get our pager and then sit down.  I go use the restroom and when I come out they have already paged us to head in.  We go in and I have to change into my gown.  Only a few minutes later Dr. Gaon comes in and we chat and I ask him some questions and then it's time.  He gives me a local anesthetic and then uses the magnet to find the right location and then he puts the needle into that spot and then starts pushing the saline solution. He asks me if I feel any pressure and I say not yet, so he says ok, let's do a little more then.  He adds a total of 80 cc's on each side.  I look down then and it is truly crazy to see the transformation.  It's like inflating a beach ball.  Like I took a few big breaths and gave it couple blows and then look to see my progress. So incredibly bizarre.  Well certainly an interesting and new experience for both me and the mother-in-law. :)   So we are on our way. Every two weeks  a few times and viola, boob!!  Now just to take some ibuprofen and lie here with an ice pack on my chest.

I'm drainless, baby!!!!!

Oh Happy Day!! Got my drains removed today!!! No more baggy shirts, no more pouches and ribbons holding them up, no more showering with a sopping wet robe belt around my neck!! Hooray! I feel so light and free.  Amazing how exciting this is, but seriously, it is super exciting.  I thought they might start the expansions today too, but he said not until next week. Still swollen and sore and wants one more week to get recovered before we begin the process.  Doing pretty well. Pain is pretty tolerable at this point. Just feeling sore and have a lot of pressure from the tissue expanders.  They are NOT comfortable. Kind of feels like I am wearing an underwire bra that is a size too small that I can not take off!!! :(. Sleep is still hard. I feel a lot of pressure when I lie on my sides and even lying on my back, which I hate by the way, I wake up with lots of pressure on my chest.  But overall feel like things are better than I thought they might be. Only two weeks after surgery and I am taking small walks and taking Riley to school and running some errands.  Start physical therapy Thursday to help start some exercises to help get back range of motion in my arms and start building back some strength.  Friends and fam have still been amazing, everyone is still bringing us dinner every night and  I am still amazed at how lucky I am to have such an awesome support team to rely on.   Today is a good day!!

Feeling positive

Post-Op day. Saw Dr Link and he said everything looked really good from the pathology after surgery . Still need to send my tumor off to a lab that will grade my risk of recurrence and determine treatment, but he thinks everything looks really good.  Then saw my surgeons and everything was looking good.  Got one more drain taken out.  Super creepy feeling, by the way, and by the look on Stephanie's face as they did it, I'm guessing it looks pretty creepy too. Two down, two to go. But Dr Gaon says I can have the other two removed on Tuesday., so yay, almost done!  He may even start doing the expansion next week too.  A little nervous about starting that, but the sooner we start the sooner it's all over.  Met a new friend that stopped by the Breastlink center to say Hi and got to see how amazing she looks 3 weeks post op from the final reconstruction surgery and made me feel super hopeful and optomistic about my future. So overall a pretty good day, but the best part was that I got to take a shower, a real shower, and it was amazing!!!! :).  Feel like I had hit the bottom last week, but I'm definitely on my way up! :)

Catching my breath

Have I mentioned that having cancer sucks?!?!?

Got released from the hospital Tuesday night.  Drove home exhausted and nauseous all the medication and couldn't wait to get into bed.  However getting into bed is not an easy task. Nor is getting out of it to pee constantly.  Spent most of Wednesday resting on the couch being waited on by my wonderful husband and my Dad.  Was pumping myself full of drugs and fluids and trying to get up and move around to ensure no blood clots.  Was having some shortness of breath and difficulties breathing fully and just thought it must be the after effects of the cold I was getting over before surgery, but unfortunately throughout the day the breathing was getting more and more difficult and more and more concerning. I called the surgeon and she advised that I go to the ER to make sure it wasn't a pulmonary embolism.  Thats not what you want to hear.  Rushed over to the ER, got a chest xray, cat scan and some blood work that determine that I did not have a pulmonary embolism, but I did have pneumonia.  So got pumped full of some strong antibiotics and after 6 long uncomfortable, exhausting hours, we were sent home.  Got a little bit of sleep and then just spent the day resting, and doing breathing exercises and walking around the living room.  Got to take my first shower with the assistance of my husband and Auntie Tammy and feel a million times better being clean.  Been eating pretty good thanks to awesome friends and family bringing me meals.  Unfortunately what goes in must come out and turns out anesthesia and pain killers are not on the same page with allowing that to happen.  Another fun perk.  I am starting to adjust to figuring out what I can and can not do and am making small improvements in the range of motion that I have in my arms and am keeping positive that tomorrow will be better.  Once again, thankful for my friends and family that have brought me meals, flowers, cards, lent an ear, ran errands, watched Riley and been so supportive.   Pain killers are starting to kick in, so I'll end this before weird stuff starts happening.

Made It!

Laying in my hospital bed in a percacet haze.  Made it through the surgery, and everything went well.
I am exhausted from lack of sleep. Very difficult to get comfortable and not a lot of peace and quiet. Super thirsty all day, so guzzling through water, but the problem is getting up to pee is excruciating pain!  Waiting for the doctors to come in and see how am doing and when we'll be going home.  Thank goodness for my husband, who has surprisingly been wonderful help. Couldn't do this without him. And to all of my wonderful family that all came to support me and be here for me. And also to my wonderful in-laws for taking care of our most precious cargo.
Well my eyelids are heavy, so I'm gonna try to take a nap. Love you all! :)

Bye Bye Boobies

Less than 24 hours!!!  Calm and collected is out the window! :(  Officially freaking out.  I have remained relatively distracted the last few days in order to keep this moment from happening.  I came down with a cold on Thursday, so I have been pretty stressed out that that could possibly cause them to postpone surgery and have just been continuing to hope that I am well by tomorrow afternoon.  Feeling a little better, but still not as well as I would hope and am not able to keep from worrying that I wont be well enough, but I still am holding out hope that I will wake up feeling much better.  
The love and support from all of my family and friends has been amazing and I am incredibly lucky and grateful that my faith in humanity has been restored by witnessing how incredibly thoughtful and wonderful people can still be!! :)  Had people drop off food, magazines, books, pajamas, comfy clothes and other wonderful gifts to help get me through and spent time with some wonderful friends both Saturday night and Sunday afternoon.   Now I am just trying to rest and relax and give my body what it needs to wake up well and ready for battle.  Unfortunately, I have mostly just been giving it large doses of fear and panic!!!!!  This has been a long couple of months and my life has been completely changed forever.  But I have also seen that I am stronger than I thought I was and that I am surrounded by love and caring and that regardless of my "bad luck", I am pretty darn lucky.  Ok, people, cover me, I'm going in!!!!

 Yummy Boobie Cupcakes Megan made for my bye bye boobie bash!

Kickball Event today to kick balls for my boobies!

5 days-Eek!

Today was pre-op day.  Drove down to Laguna Hills by myself and met with the nurse practioner for both my surgeon and plastic surgeon.  Had to sign tons and tons of paperwork and consent forms with tons of disturbing details of all the possible complications and risks of surgery.  Fun stuff.  So I'll be checking in at Saddleback Hospital admitting department at 1:30pm on Monday.  I will then go get radioactive.  They will inject a chemical into my nipple at that time and then I will be directed to the OR to be prepped.  Once I am under they will inject a blue dye that will help determine the sentinel lymph node for them to test to determine if there is any cancer in the lymph nodes.  If the sentinel comes back negative, then they wont have to remove any more, if they come back positive then they will take level 1 and 2 of the lymph nodes from that arm for a full testing.  Then she will do the mastectomy and remove all the breast tissue.  When she is finished then the plastic surgeon will come in and put in the tissue expanders and finish up the surgery.  Estimated time of surgery is 5 hours.  So will be done in the late evening on Monday night with probably only an overnight stay in the hospital.  I cant eat or drink ANYTHING for 8 hours before surgery!!  Not even WATER!  That sucks!! Like a lot.  I usually eat like every two hours and never skip a meal and never go anywhere without my water bottle.  As if I don't have enough of a reason to be cranky that day.  I hate to be hungry!  Argh!
While I was there I also had my blood work done and got fitted for a couple of mastectomy bras.  Everyone I have dealt with has been extremely friendly and nice.  Very glad to be going somewhere that makes me so comfortable and at ease, but really wish it wasn't so damn far!!  Turns out having cancer really makes having agoraphobia a pain in the ass!  Kinda being forced to grow a pair!!
Well the time is a ticking.  Work is crazy, my desk is a disaster, the house is a mess and I have many errands to run, but trying not to let it get me stressed.  It'll get done one way or another and if it doesn't then it doesn't, I've got bigger fish to fry!  

It's about to get real

So, here is this weeks rundown. Monday morning I spoke to Dr Curcio over the phone and she had reviewed all my labs and reports and there were no discrepancies in the original results and she had spoken to the plastic surgeon and we were ago to get me on the schedule, so the scheduler from her office would call me the next day. So Samantha from her office called me Tuesday and said the soonest they could get me in was May 13th.  I was a little disappointed that it was so far out, cause i really just want this out already!! But we started making plans, Dad's flying out and everyone figuring out days they can take off to be on Katrina duty. Then Wednesday we drove down to Orange to meet with oncologist Dr Link, he was also disappointed that surgery was so far out, but said he would start me on tamoxifen (hormone blockers) now, so that we could treat the cancer in the meantime. I was glad he was being proactive and we were gonna be actively fighting, but also very nervous about starting. Decided that since we are going to Joshua Tree this weekend, that I did not need to compound my stress by starting the medication. So I'll start taking it Sunday when we get home. But then today I received a call from Dr Curcio's office stating that per Dr Link's request they have moved my surgery date to May 5th!!!! As in 10 days!! I have been so anxious about trying to hurry up and get this going and over with, but now that it's just around the corner, I am a little freaked out!!! Holy Crap, this is really happening!   Time to get serious.  Gottaa start gathering comfy clothes and pillows and downloading movies and books.  Any suggestions on good books  or movies anyone  has scene or read lately?

Keeping positive

It's been a long ten days.  Had another biopsy done last week that was even more painful.  And had to wait over a week to get the results, which was excruciating.  Had to test to see if an enlarged lymph node was cancerous and thankfully the results came back negative.  Yay!! I mean I am not out of the woods yet. I will still have to have a sentinel node biopsy during surgery to make sure no other lymph nodes are affected, but it is encouraging and makes me hopeful.  Met with the plastic surgeon and feel good about my "team".  Went to lunch with another awesome survivor that gave me some tips and thoughtfully brought me some books and some great head covers.  Also went to a support group tea with a couple of nice ladies that helped me get prepared and make up some lists.  I feel like I am going in more prepared for what I am in for.  And I am not going to lie, what I am in for is going to royally suck! Big time.  But trying to think of the positives.  Cant wait til next summer when I can wear spaghetti straps and strapless!! :) And as always I am very grateful for awesome friends and family that are there to help keep me positive and have so many things to enjoy in life!! :)

Hello PPO

So, life after ppo sure does seem a lot easier. Had an appointment with Dr. Lisa Curcio at the Breastlink Center at Saddleback Medical Center and everyone was super nice and attentive.  Asking us if we wanted anything to drink and instead of wearing a piece of very uncomfortable and awkward paper, I got a very fashionable leopard print silk gown. Very fancy! :)  We looked at images of my screenings and talked and watched a power point video and then started making some plans.  It's just so nice to not have to worry about referrals and authorizations.  I can just make decisions about who I want to see and what tests we want to do based on what me and my doctor  feel is best, what a strange concept.   I may even see their oncologist just to see what his opinion and his suggestions are just for the hell of it because I can.....ha! He happens to have written the book I read about Surviving Breast Cancer, so it's pretty cool that I might be able to get his  take on my situation.   So,  I still have to see the plastic surgeon and have another ultrasound and possible biopsy, so it'll be another couple of weeks before surgery, but things are in the works and I'm feeling a lot better about  the upcoming battle.

See You Later HMO!

So.....many days have passed and I have not posted.   I made it through the MRI and received the results today from my oncologist and everything appears to be as expected, nothing new or surprising, so that is encouraging.  Have spent the last several days still going back and forth with the HMO to get denials appealed and new authorizations submitted and was told that I would be able to see a surgeon at Cedars Senai, which was encouraging, but of course has still not actually been approved and was resubmitted today for authorization that they say will be done by Friday.  But, instead we are moving forward with a PPO.  Thankfully I was able to make the change and it was officially processed yesterday.  I am truly hopeful and encouraged that this is going to make my life much easier from this point on.  Not that my life is going to be by any means easy.   I still keep forgetting that I am about to get my tatas cut off and have chemicals poured into my body, but now I can stop begging them to do it and hopefully they will just do it without all the begging.  I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with a surgeon at a breast cancer center in Laguna Hills that I have heard good things about and that I am super hopeful will be able to get things going quickly.  Also finally got the genetic test done today after waiting three wasted weeks, so doubtful I will have results back before any surgery takes place, but at least it is in the works.  So I am keeping positive that at least the insurance phase of this nightmare is over.  Onto the next!! Eeek!! :(

Conquered the Beast

So I survived it!!  The ever terrifying MRI Machine that has plagued my sleep for the last several nights. 
I had to get to my appointment an hour early so that I would have time to take the sedative and have it kick in before my MRI.  However my nerves about taking the sedative were still in high gear and I was truly debating which was worse.  But we got there and filled out paperwork, paid copays and signed my life away and then the technician brought me out my teeny tiny white pill.  He assured me that the amount he was giving me was the smallest possible dosage, as I was terrified that it would be too much since I am such a lightweight and that it would just relax me and nothing else.  So he told me to put the pill under my tongue for a minute and then swallow it with water. I did so, but the second it was under my tongue I was back to debating which fear I feared the most.  But in the end I swallowed!!! After just a few minutes I felt my lids getting heavy, but was not feeling relaxed and carefree by any means.  Then they called me in the back to get undressed, take off all of my jewelery and put all of my belongings into a locker.  My panic and anxiety were not really dissipating as I had been promised.  Then I am called into the room to face the beast!!  I have to sit and have an IV placed in my arm and then climb onto the beast tummy down, tata's sticking into holes and face down into another hole.  Arms straight out over my head with my IV arm as straight as possible. I get all situated and then am told not to move.  They stick in ear plugs and hand me my panic ball to squeeze in case I absolutely have to have them pull me out.  I think it is actually beneficial that my face is stuck in a hole and I can not see anything around me.  I can not see how confined I am or how far into the machine I am. I just keep trying to convince myself that it is very open and roomy around me.  The hard part is actually not at all what I expected.  The claustrophobic part actually bothers me a lot less than I thought and I am just in complete discomfort that turns into pain from having to be in an awkward position for 40 minutes without moving an inch.  By 20 minutes in, my arms are completely asleep, tingling fingers that are getting more and more sore, my rib cage is getting sore from the table digging in and a throbbing headache from my forehead digging into the same spot for such a long period of time.  He warned me that they would insert the dye with about 10 minutes left to go.  So when he told me they were ready for the dye, I just was trying with all my might to not let the pain get to me, I was almost through, I had to finish. I was not going to have to redo any of this again!!   The last round of banging and dinging and screeching felt like it would never end, but once it finally did and they were in there releasing me from the beast I was so excited to know that it was over.  I couldn't wait to move!  It felt incredible.  Although because I was full of Valium I couldn't really express my appreciation for this moment.  So I made it past hurdle one of many many many to come, but it's my first fight in my battle and although perhaps not gracefully, I conquered it nontheless!!

Groundhog Day

So it has been several days since my last post, but I haven't really felt like there was much to update on.  It's been a little bit like 'Groundhog Day', living the same day over and over.  I get up, wrap my head around my current life situation and then begin to list and process all of the phone calls that need to be made for the day.  Which office is currently supposed to be submitting authorizations or is awaiting an authorization or needs to submit further documentation or redo an authorization?  Then I spend most of the day on hold and trying to coordinate all of the proper paperwork to the proper place and then am exhausted, frustrated and disappointed by the end of the day and then go to bed and prepare to do it again.   I am really trying to stay hopeful that things are about to change and start going my way, but it's getting harder and harder to keep up any positivity.  
I've still been trying to enjoy as much as possible.  Had a good weekend, spending time with friends and family. Trying to get in as many workouts as I can while I can.  Went to yoga too.  I think I will try and get back into again until I cant anymore. 
Had to go get blood work done today and Riley braved it with me.  We did it together and she did great. She cried for a little bit, which she had hoped not to do, but I think it hurt a lot more than she anticipated! :(  But she sucked it up to ensure there was a popsicle in her future! :)
I have a scheduled breast MRI this Thursday and will definitely need a promise of a popsicle or something to give me motivation, because I am stressing hardcore about this.  My deep anxiety of being unable to escape is in high gear.  I do have the option of getting a sedative, but my anxiety about medication is causing my stress level to continue at an alarming rate.
I do realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is the easiest thing I will have to endure in the near future, but rationality is not always my strong suit.
Well here's to hoping that tomorrow brings a day worth posting about!! :)

Please continue to hold.............

March 25, 2014

Couldn't they at least make their hold music something more fun and upbeat?  This classical crap just makes me sleepier and crankier.  Currently sitting on hold with HealthNet for the last 45 minutes. This is only like my third call to them TODAY!  Trying to keep myself calm and stop from going bonkers.  I have definitely lost it a couple of times just today.  But I am considering it a good day.  Some progress made.  Saw a new surgeon from the City of Hope in South Pasadena and she seemed very good and talked to me about my options in a way that made it a lot more clear about what I will probably have to do.   Now trying to simultaneously coordinate with insurance to actually get anything done while also coming to grips with what my life is going to look like for the next year.  Trying to just remind myself that my life for the next year is going to be awful, but then I will be alive and everything will be fine and this will just be a bump in my road.   Went to a breast cancer support group and listened to lots of other women share their stories of overcoming this and dealing with this shitty hand.  It's good to just think about the day when I can tell the stories of how I made it through.
OMG! After 45 minutes on hold, my cell phone just dropped the call!!!!! Aaaahhhhh!

HMO Nightmares

So turns out that if you have cancer AND an HMO, life can become extremely difficult!!  Now more than ever, I really really wish we had a different health care system. I truly can not believe how difficult is to get care and I always thought I had good insurance. I've seen one surgeon that is just a general surgeon and does not specialize in breast surgery and isn't familiar with all of the options of breast cancer surgery, so I figure well I will just get a second and third opinion and make sure I know all of my options and go with who I feel the most comfortable with, but turns out, it's really not that simple.  In order to see anyone else, my Dr has to submit a request, which has to be reviewed and approved within 5-7 days and that is just to authorize to get a second opinion. This does not authorize the Dr to provide any care or testing of any kind, that is separate request that has to be made. And this is before I even have a chance to talk to the Dr to determine if I even like them.  And if I want to actually go to a breast cancer center or specialty hospital then of course authorization has to be requested and they require notes from all the doctors you've seen, and they are out of the office in and unable to finish their notes to provide to the medical group that they have 5-7 days to respond and may just send me a denial after all of this wasted time while I await treatment for CANCER!!! No big deal, I guess!!  I've paid for insurance since I was 18 and rarely needed it and now that I am sick, you would think that all that time of paying for something I didn't need would all be worth it now!!!  As if I didn't have enough problems and things to figure out, I have to make phone calls all day long to harass  doctors, and insurance companies and office assistants to push through paperwork so that I can even try and get any care.  Best health care system in the world, huh?!??!

Decisions Decisions

So officially one week into this nightmare! Finally got to see my oncologist. She informed me that my cancer is hormone positive, HER2 negative which is apparently a good thing.  I need to be tested for the BRCA gene, hoping its negative so that I don't have to worry about my sisters or beautiful daughter!! :(  So it's my turn to make a decision  about my surgical options. This is not an easy task. I truly have no clue what is the best decision. I am terrified of all options and hate that I have to make this decision at all. There is no good answer. So I guess my next few days will consist of talking to anyone and everyone who has ever been through this and researching every imaginable option.  I miss sleep so much!

TMI

March 17, 2014

The last few days have been a tad bit overwhelming.  I now have a lot more information about things I wish I never ever had to know.  Having to learn about lumpectomies, mastectomies, HER2, BRCA genes, radiation, hormone blockers, chemo......and on and on.  It's unpleasant to say the least.  Especially while waiting in limbo for doctors appointments to even have the ability to consider my options. Its a horrible waiting game.  Not to mention the plethora of phone calls to insurance companies and doctors to try and coordinate authorizations and referrals that end up being denied anyways.  It's a very frustrating and infuriating situation. But I have also had a wonderful outpouring of support and love from my awesome friends and family and have been reminded how lucky I truly am to have such a strong support system. 
I am awaiting my appointment to see my oncologist Wednesday morning and will hopefully have a better idea of what I am going to do at that time.  I just cant wait for this to all be over so I can just go back to being the lucky wife, mom, sister and friend.

Wait.....What??

March 13, 2014

When your doctor says, "You have cancer", you kind of have an out of body experience.  Like you're looking at someone else in a movie or tv show or something.  This cant possibly be reality. How is that possible? 
Yesterday I was a working mom, wife, fitness fanatic, sister, friend.......and today I HAVE CANCER.
Its like all of those other people I was no longer exist and I just have cancer.  It consumes every ounce of my being.  I keep replaying the doctor repeating the words "you have cancer" over and over and can not wrap my head around the fact that this is actually my reality. 
I know that thousands of other women have been through this and that does give me some comfort, but there is no situation from this point on where life is not going to suck for at least a little while.  It is going to be painful, stressful, scary and sad and I am super grateful that I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and do not have to deal with this alone, but I cant help but be angry and frustrated that this is happening to me. 

So basically this is how it went down.

I am laying in bed playing on my phone when I drop it and it hits me in the boob.  I think to myself that really hurt for some reason and rub the spot that ached and noticed that I thought I felt something.  I double and triple check as my heart starts to pump a little faster.  I say something to Glenn and ask him to double check and he feels something too, so my heart drops in my stomach momentarily while I try and talk myself out of any panic. I go to sleep and wake up and get ready for work.  After 9am passes by I make an appointment with my OB-gyn for three days later.  My regular doctor isn't available, so I go to the other office in Chino Hills and I am not thrilled with the doctor that I see and she feels around and tells me that she thinks I just have lumpy breasts and she feels several different things so she isn't worried, but she'll order a mammogram and ultrasound just to be safe.  I make an apt and go in to have my breast smushed and smashed and then proceed to the ultrasound room to have them now probed and prodded.  The technician leaves the room and comes back with the doctor who then starts to view the ultrasound and tells me that they would like to do an biopsy because there is definitely something there, but not to worry, it is usually nothing. But of course it only mildy eases the unease that I am feeling at this point. Again I try to push it aside.  I then have to schedule the biopsy.  The procedure is painful and unpleasant and I am so focused on just making it through this awful procedure that I forget for a moment to be scared of the reason I am doing it. After I am done, they say that the results take 2-3 days to be sent to my doctor and that no news is good news so not to worry if I don't hear anything, that they would usually let them know sooner if there was anything to worry about.  So I schedule a follow up appointment with my regular OB-gyn for a week later.  So I wait and wait and never hear anything, but the following Monday I am pretty confident that since I have heard nothing, that clearly I am good to go and nothing to worry about. I go to my follow up appointment. Sit in the office waiting and waiting.  Reading my romance novel and truly not feeling any anxiety or worries.  In walks the dr, sits across from me and just comes out with it, "we have your results and it's not good. You have cancer!" Again, that's when I kind of shut off.  Its just not possible.  I am a pretty emotional person so tears were a given and my doctor is incredibly sweet and tried her best to comfort me.  I know I will be fine, but I just want this to all be over with.  I don't want to have surgery, I don't want to take a ton of drugs, I don't want to have chemo or radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I am scared of it all, but I know I will get through it and everything will be fine.  But for right now I just want to scream a little bit!!!!