Hair Nightmares

Running gel through my hair.  I slick it back, I rough it up, I pull it this direction and that direction.  I put a clip in it.  I take it out.  I put a headband on.  I take it off.  I clip in bangs. I take them out.  I rough it up again.  I spray water on it and slick it back again.  I put the clip back in and put on earrings.  I am running late, so I decide this is as good as it gets and leave.  I get in the car and realize that I have put on two different earrings.  Great, so much for that.  I take them out and pout about not having that extra touch of femininity.  I get to the office and after several walks past the kitchen window where I can see my reflection I decide I look awful and have to make adjustments.  I go to the restroom and remove the clip.  I wet it down a bit more to flatten out poofy spots and flyaways, I end up putting on a headband and roll my eyes and sigh and decide its hopeless and go back to my desk.  I feel deflated and sad and then I get mad at myself for feeling deflated and sad over hair.  When I heard I would need chemo I knew that that loss was going to be very hard, but I just really had no idea how hard or for how long that struggle would last.  It has been nine and a half months since I have had my hair and it will probably be at least another 6 months before its really long enough to do much of anything with.  I don’t think I fully understood or prepared for that much time.  I don’t think I fully grasped how much of myself was wrapped up in my hair.  I don’t think I fully understood how much I feel the pressure and need to look feminine and how hard that is to do without hair.  I know I need to just focus on the fact that I am alive and healthy and realize that this is petty and I always have tried to not let the petty things get to me, especially after this year, but if you have long beautiful hair, I apologize in advance and please don’t be offended when you get the evil eye!!