A Year Long Hair Journey

Its been one whole year since I have had my hair.  Seems like forever and yet like only yesterday.  I have been through a lot of different emotions, styles and phases this year.  I am still struggling every day with being confident and embracing my hair or lack there of.   A year ago I was still going through chemo and had pending surgeries and was terrified at the prospect of being bald.  Today I am happy and healthy and excited to have hair and look forward to lots of new fun hairstyles. Here is my hair journey for this year:

One year ago today. Officially Bald!!

 

 And the wiggin out begins!

 Going All Natural!!

And this is what one year of hair growth looks like!  In actuality my hair didn't start growing back until a couple of months after my last chemo, so not until around October and then it started slower and splotchy, so I am hopeful that the next year will bring a lot more hair with it!

Hair Nightmares

Running gel through my hair.  I slick it back, I rough it up, I pull it this direction and that direction.  I put a clip in it.  I take it out.  I put a headband on.  I take it off.  I clip in bangs. I take them out.  I rough it up again.  I spray water on it and slick it back again.  I put the clip back in and put on earrings.  I am running late, so I decide this is as good as it gets and leave.  I get in the car and realize that I have put on two different earrings.  Great, so much for that.  I take them out and pout about not having that extra touch of femininity.  I get to the office and after several walks past the kitchen window where I can see my reflection I decide I look awful and have to make adjustments.  I go to the restroom and remove the clip.  I wet it down a bit more to flatten out poofy spots and flyaways, I end up putting on a headband and roll my eyes and sigh and decide its hopeless and go back to my desk.  I feel deflated and sad and then I get mad at myself for feeling deflated and sad over hair.  When I heard I would need chemo I knew that that loss was going to be very hard, but I just really had no idea how hard or for how long that struggle would last.  It has been nine and a half months since I have had my hair and it will probably be at least another 6 months before its really long enough to do much of anything with.  I don’t think I fully understood or prepared for that much time.  I don’t think I fully grasped how much of myself was wrapped up in my hair.  I don’t think I fully understood how much I feel the pressure and need to look feminine and how hard that is to do without hair.  I know I need to just focus on the fact that I am alive and healthy and realize that this is petty and I always have tried to not let the petty things get to me, especially after this year, but if you have long beautiful hair, I apologize in advance and please don’t be offended when you get the evil eye!!

The Year of the Boob

What a year!!  Exactly one year ago today I was having a biopsy of a "suspicious"  lump in my breast.   I was clueless and ill prepared for what the next year would be like.  Since that day I have had my breasts removed and put back together twice. I had what I hope is my last surgery for a very long time yesterday.  Laying on the couch again, once again in recovery mode.  Popping percocet and antibiotics.  Grateful for my family and freinds for support.  My adorable daughter made my breakfast for me all by herself this morning and the insisted on making her own breakfast so that I can lay down.   I am very hopeful that this is the end of this journey and I cant wait to enjoy this upcoming spring and summer. :)

Moving on!

Over two months since my last post.   No news is good news, right?  Nothing to report.  The last couple of months have basically been full of fun, normal life.  Celebrating birthdays and enjoying family gatherings and Christmas celebrations and the start of a wonderful new year and putting this incredibly scary, terrifying, difficult year behind me.  I am feeling pretty good.  The hormone blockers give me hot flashes and some mild bone pain, but overall it is tolerable.  
I want to be able to just be happy and positive that I made it through this whole ordeal and put it behind me, but I am still full of fear and apprehension.  I had my first of what I am sure will be many many paranoid, panicked freakouts.  I had some pain that I couldn't find any reason for and of course immediately went into a full blown panic. I was truly and genuinely petrified.  I tried to do the normal "I'm sure its nothing" conversation in my head, but the last time I had that conversation with myself, I ended up being a liar, so now its hard to take my word!!  I hope the fear gets better and lessens with time, but I don't know how much time will be enough.  I am happy to report that I followed up with the doctor and the pain has subsided and all the blood tests came back great and I am cancer free.
I am still also struggling with the hair loss.  I miss my hair. A LOT!! 
I have always had long hair.
I loved my long hair.
It was my security blanket and it was very important to me. 
I have been hiding behind wigs, hats, caps and scarves.
I am sick of all of them, but I have really been struggling with building up enough confidence to not hide behind anything.  I have discovered that I am way more insecure than I thought I was.  I wish I was one of those ladies that embraced this and rocked the bald and brought out my inner badass, but I am not.  I am very self conscious about rocking my short little locks.  But I am trying very hard to let it go and just embrace what I have to work with. 
It has been six months since I lost my hair and today was the first day that I went out of the house without "hiding" behind anything and it was really really hard, but I'm working on it.