I want to be able to just be happy and positive that I made it through this whole ordeal and put it behind me, but I am still full of fear and apprehension. I had my first of what I am sure will be many many paranoid, panicked freakouts. I had some pain that I couldn't find any reason for and of course immediately went into a full blown panic. I was truly and genuinely petrified. I tried to do the normal "I'm sure its nothing" conversation in my head, but the last time I had that conversation with myself, I ended up being a liar, so now its hard to take my word!! I hope the fear gets better and lessens with time, but I don't know how much time will be enough. I am happy to report that I followed up with the doctor and the pain has subsided and all the blood tests came back great and I am cancer free.
I am still also struggling with the hair loss. I miss my hair. A LOT!!
I have always had long hair.
I loved my long hair.
It was my security blanket and it was very important to me.
I have been hiding behind wigs, hats, caps and scarves.
I am sick of all of them, but I have really been struggling with building up enough confidence to not hide behind anything. I have discovered that I am way more insecure than I thought I was. I wish I was one of those ladies that embraced this and rocked the bald and brought out my inner badass, but I am not. I am very self conscious about rocking my short little locks. But I am trying very hard to let it go and just embrace what I have to work with.
It has been six months since I lost my hair and today was the first day that I went out of the house without "hiding" behind anything and it was really really hard, but I'm working on it.
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